Arkham High
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Suggested by BloodyBerry, this is just a guess of what things could have been like if the inmates of Arkham Asylum all went to high school together. Thanks for suggesting, and enjoy! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Arkham High**

"Well, here we are," said Mr. Quinzel, as he pulled up the car in front of his daughter Harleen's new high school. "First day of school. You excited?"

Harleen stared at her father in disbelief. "Am I excited?" she repeated. "You drag me outta my high school in Brooklyn one year before graduation, take me away from all my friends, move us to this dump of a city, and throw me in here, just expecting me to make new friends and keep my grades up when I'm still adjusting to this whole new life you've forced me into? No, Dad, I ain't excited. I wanna go home," she muttered, folding her arms across her chest.

"Sweetie, you know I have to go where the job takes me," replied her father. "I didn't have a choice. This is your home now, and this is your school. And I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think it's gonna be. I've spoken to Principal Leland, and she seems like a really nice lady. And I know you'll make lots of new friends here – you're a great girl! They'll love you!"

"You know I don't do well with socializing, Dad," Harleen muttered, kicking under her seat. "I was lucky to have friends in Brooklyn – I just don't fit in with people. And I don't have a chance of fitting in here."

"Sweetheart, I think if you just put on a smile, things will work out better than you think," said her father, gently. "Now I know my daughter. She's a smart, bright, funny, kind, thoughtful young lady. And the kids here are gonna see that. They're gonna be crazy about you. Just like I am," he said, kissing her cheek. "Now, c'mon. A little smile for me?"

Harleen sighed, but forced a smile. "That's my girl!" he exclaimed. "Go get 'em, kiddo!"

Harleen climbed out of the car, slinging her backpack over her shoulder and adjusting her glasses. She waved at her father as he drove off, but dropped the smile right after he was gone, turning with dread to face the looming building in front of her. The sign out front read _Arkham High School_, but someone had written under it: _Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!_

"Great sense of humor they've got," muttered Harleen sarcastically, as she climbed up the stone steps. She took a deep breath, putting her hand on the door. "C'mon, Harley, you can do this," she muttered. She nodded to herself, adjusted her glasses again, and then pushed open the door, looking for the first time upon her new high school.

The first thing that assaulted her was the noise. Everywhere people were talking and shouting, but the words were lost in a deafening roar of sound. And the second was the mess. Books, papers, and trash were lying everywhere, paper airplanes sailed through the air, and Harleen could only stare in astonishment at the scene, which seemed more like a prison than a high school.

She was startled out of her thoughts by someone slamming into her, knocking her to the ground and causing her own books and papers to fly everywhere. "Hey, watch where you're…" she began, glaring up at the figure who had run into her, but she stopped talking and could only stare in astonishment at the most unusual boy she had ever seen.

He was tall and lanky and extremely pale, making his red lips seem even brighter by comparison. His eyes were a bright green, the same color as his hair, which flopped into his eyes, so that he constantly had to smooth it back. He smiled at her, the biggest smile she had ever seen, and held out his hand to help her up, murmuring, "Hi."

"H…hi," stammered Harleen, stunned, as she took it.

Whatever spell she was under suddenly broke as a bolt of pain shot through her, and she cried, "Ow!" The boy had a joy buzzer in his hand, which he shocked her with as he pulled her violently to her feet and hastily dusted her off.

"There, you ain't hurt, no harm done!" the boy exclaimed. "Try not to get in people's way again, huh? Gotta run!"

He dashed off. "Hey, wait…" began Harleen, but another boy suddenly raced toward her.

"Which way did he go?" demanded the boy.

"Uh…over…" began Harleen, pointing, but the boy saw his target at that moment and raced past her, leaping forward and tackling the boy who had run into her.

He wrestled him to the ground, shouting, "Don't even bother struggling, J, I tackled twenty bigger guys than you at the game last weekend!"

"Great job, Bruce, you got him!" exclaimed another boy, running over to where the two were struggling. "I went and got Principal Leland – she's on her way. Just hold him down until she gets here."

"No problem, Harvey!" retorted Bruce, still holding the other boy down. "I said stop struggling, J…ow!" he shouted, as the boy with the joy buzzer pressed it against his cheek. Bruce released his grip, and the boy leapt to his feet, about to dash off again, when the other boy, Harvey, grabbed him by the back of his collar.

"Oh no, you don't!" snapped Harvey, glaring at him. "You're gonna pay for what you've done, J! Principal Leland, over here!" he called, waving at a woman who was fording her way through the crowd.

"Yes, Harvey, what's he done now?" sighed Principal Leland, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at the boy, who still struggled to get away.

Harvey held up a poster. "He went around and scribbled out half my face on all my campaign posters!" he snapped. "I look like an idiot!"

"Don't blame me for that, Harv!" chuckled the boy. "You look like an idiot even with an entire face!"

Harvey raised a fist to punch him, but Principal Leland intercepted it. "And anyway, how do you know it was me who defaced your posters?" asked the boy, shrugging. "Could be any of the freaks in here. I might have been set up, for all you know. Framed!"

"Nobody else would think that's funny, except you, J," growled Harvey. "Because it isn't funny. I worked hard getting all those made up, and in a few minutes, you ruin all my hard work!"

"Hey, lighten up, moron, it was just a joke!" snapped J. "And I still don't see any proof that I…"

Principal Leland grabbed J's hand, turning it over. "Was your face scribbled out in blue pen, Harvey?" she asked.

"Yeah," growled Harvey.

"And it's just a coincidence that you've got blue pen all over your hands, huh, J?" asked Principal Leland.

J shrugged. "Could be," he agreed. "Ain't so uncommon a color for a pen…"

"J, just admit it," growled Bruce. "Everyone knows you did it. And it's not like you to not want to take credit for your own so-called jokes."

J shrugged again. "All right, I admit, it _was _me!" he chuckled. "And personally I thought it was a laugh riot! Vote for the president – he's two-faced! It's satirical humor! I could probably have got away from you too, Brucie, if this dumb blonde here hadn't got in my way," he said, glaring at Harleen.

"Dumb blonde?!" she repeated, offended. "Listen, pal, I got a 3.9 GPA at my old school…"

"You must be Harleen Quinzel," said Principal Leland. "She's just transferred here from Brooklyn. Harleen, this is Bruce Wayne, captain of the football team, and Harvey Dent, who's running for class president."

"Uh…pleased to meetcha," said Harleen, nervously, shaking their hands. "Call me Harley. Everyone does."

"And this is J," said Principal Leland, glaring at the boy. "Our self-styled class clown, although some would just call him a lazy slacker. I'm so sorry you had to meet him on your first day, and in such an unpleasant set of circumstances."

"Yeah…I won't be shaking his hand again," muttered Harley, glaring at him.

"Oh, lighten up and learn to take a joke, dollface!" snapped J.

"J has a very unusual sense of humor," said Principal Leland. "Some would call it cruel and unusual."

"Is he going to be punished?" demanded Harvey, angrily.

"Yes, we're going to have a little talk," said Principal Leland, nodding. "Come with me, J. And you too, Harley – I'd like to give you a quick tour around the school after I have a word with J."

"Just have a seat there," said Principal Leland, pointing to a couple chairs outside her office. "I'm going to have to call your parents, J, and tell them the same thing I'm gonna tell you."

"Which is?" asked J. "You gonna suspend me again, Leland? I can't think of a better reward – not having to go to school and not getting in trouble for it!" he chuckled.

"I really shouldn't be saying this with Harley here," said Principal Leland, sternly. "But if you don't bring up your grades and straighten up your behavior, you're not going to be graduating. Do you understand what that means, J? You're going to be held back, kept in here, not free to go out into the world like your peers, but stuck in this school until you learn how decent people behave."

She entered her office and slammed the door. J glared after her, and then leaned back, putting his feet up on the chair opposite him and chewing a wad of gum loudly.

"What?" he demanded, as he noticed Harley looking at him. "You think I'm scared of her?"

"No," said Harley, hastily, gluing her eyes to the floor. She could feel J glaring at her now, blowing a bubble of gum and popping it loudly.

"I ain't," he muttered. "I ain't scared of nothing."

Harley nodded, not meeting his eyes.

"So, new girl," he said, taking the gum out of his mouth and twisting it between his fingers. "Your old school have anyone like me in it?"

"No," repeated Harley. "I can honestly say…I've never met anyone like you."

"Good," he snapped, popping half of the gum back into his mouth. "Ya want some?" he asked, holding the other half out to her.

"Uh…no thanks," stammered Harley.

He shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said, popping the other half into his mouth. "So, what are you?" he asked.

"I'm…sorry?" said Harley, looking at him in confusion.

"What are you?" he repeated. "What's your peer group? I'm the only guy in the world who don't fit into a peer group – everyone else here has their place. Ya got the nerds, the jocks, the preps, y'know, the usual. Which one are you? I'm betting nerd from the glasses," he said. "And the 3.9 GPA."

"I…think it's important to do well in school," agreed Harley. "Although I know that doesn't seem to matter to you."

"Nope," he agreed. "Nothing much matters to me. That's why I'm such a happy guy!" he chuckled. "Anyway, you'll be a real treat for the nerds. Most of 'em probably ain't ever seen a woman before, let alone hung out with one. Don't let 'em get too close, though – you don't want nerd cooties." He frowned. "Actually you probably already got 'em, being one yourself. And I probably got 'em now from running into you."

He punched her shoulder suddenly. "Ow, stop it!" cried Harley.

"Just giving you your cootie shot," he said, punching his own shoulder too. "Though I don't know if it works once you've already got 'em. We'll have to see," he laughed, smoothing his hair back from his eyes again.

"J, inside!" snapped Principal Leland, holding open the door to her office.

J stood up, grinning. "See ya later, toots!" he chuckled, winking at Harley as he strode into Principal Leland's office. "And welcome to Arkham!"

His mocking laughter echoed after him as Harley sat, rubbing her shoulder and trying not to cry. This place was much worse than she could ever have imagined. Much, much worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Things didn't improve for Harley as the day progressed. Her first class was biology, where she once again was forced to deal with J. He sat in the back of the class, rolling spitballs and shooting them into the hair of the girl sitting across from her, a very attractive redhead.

"J, quit it!" the girl shouted, turning around suddenly. "Mr. Woodrue! J's shooting spitballs at me again!"

"Geez, Pammie, lighten up!" chuckled J. "I'm just trying to distract your goo goo eyes away from Woody there! Wouldn't want the two of you getting into any trouble!" he laughed.

"I wouldn't sleep with a teacher, you sick freak!" hissed the girl.

"Yeah? Just every other guy in the school, then?" he asked, grinning.

"Not you either!" she snapped, turning her attention back to the teacher. Harley turned to glare at J, who pointed at the girl across from her and began making obscene hand gestures.

"J, that's enough!" snapped the teacher, Mr. Woodrue, glaring up at him. "One more word and you're going to be sent out of class!"

"I wasn't saying anything, Woody," retorted J, sticking his tongue out.

"Outside, now!" snapped Mr. Woodrue. J shrugged, standing up and heading for the door. He took the wad of gum out of his mouth and stuck it in the redhead's hair before leaving, causing her to shriek in fury and race to the bathroom. Harley returned her attention to her book, regretting more than ever that she had to be in this stupid school with these stupid kids.

At lunchtime, Harley took her pick of the less than impressive cafeteria selection, and then looked around for someplace to sit. She looked for a familiar face and saw the redhead from biology sitting next to a pretty girl with short, black hair.

"Uh…hi," said Harley, coming over to them and putting on a smile. "Mind if I sit with you?"

They both looked her up and down, from her clothes to her glasses. "Um…why doncha try the nerd table instead? I think you'll fit in better over there," the redhead said, nodding at a table at the end of the hall.

"Oh…uh…ok," stammered Harley. "Sorry for bothering you."

She carried her tray over to the indicated table, empty except for three boys. Two of them were reading books, and one sat playing with what looked like some kind of rubix cube.

Harley cleared her throat. "Can I sit here?" she asked.

They all looked up in astonishment at her. "Good…Lord," stammered one of them, a skinny, red-haired boy with glasses. "That is…yes, yes, of course you can," he said, moving aside so she could sit down and shutting his book. "I'm…sorry, I don't think we've met."

"No, this is my first day," said Harley. "I got transferred here from Brooklyn. My name's Harleen Quinzel, but you can call me Harley."

"It's…wonderful to meet you, Harley," stammered the red-haired boy, sincerely. "My name is Jonathan Crane, and this is Jervis Tetch and Edward Nygma," he said, gesturing to the other two. "Jervis is an exchange student from England, and Edward is president of the chess club."

"And the riddle club, of which I'm the only member," said Nygma, his eyes fixed on the rubix cube in his hand. "So it's not really a club so much as a place for me to think up puzzles and riddles for other people to solve."

"Oh. That's…nice," said Harley, slowly. "And you're from England, huh?" she said, turning to Tetch. "Wow, you must feel like a long way from home. And I thought _I_ came from far away!"

"If everybody in the world minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does," murmured Tetch, not looking up from his book.

"Er…sorry?" said Harley.

"It'll be an Alice in Wonderland quote," explained Crane. "Jervis is very fond of that book – he talks of little else."

"I do not talk at all of Alice in Wonderland, Jonathan, for there is no such book," retorted Tetch, looking up from his book at last. "I talk of _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland _and _Through the Looking Glass_. One should call a thing by its proper name, wouldn't you agree, Miss Quinzel?"

"Uh…sure," said Harley, slowly. "And…most people call me Harley."

"It's a very pretty name, even if your hair wants cutting," said Tetch, shutting his own book. "Though I must say it is positively charming after all this time to have an Alice come and join our tea party. We have the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, the Dormouse, and now Alice," he said, gesturing from himself, to Crane, to Nygma, and finally to Harley.

"Oh…well, I'd be happy to play Alice…" stammered Harley.

Tetch's eyes narrowed. "You can't _play _Alice," he snapped. "You can only _be_ Alice. And you are only almost Alice, but you'll have to do, since the real Alice is as unattainable to me as the sea is to the snail," he sighed, glancing forlornly over at another table, where a very pretty blonde girl sat laughing with a handsome young man.

"Now Jervis, Harley doesn't need to hear about all this on her first day," said Crane. "Can't we try to be a little more cheerful? Isn't it nice that such an attractive young woman wants to eat lunch with us?"

"I suppose," sighed Tetch, returning to his book. "But she's not Alice."

"Yes, riddle me this, Harley," said Nygma, looking at her suspiciously. "Why _are _you eating lunch with us?"

"Oh…well…I asked that girl, and she seemed to think this is where I'd fit in best," said Harley, pointing at the redhead.

"Ah yes. You've met Pamela Isley, have you?" said Crane. He frowned. "I don't think_ I_ have, come to think of it. Not properly. Although she and her friend Selina Kyle are known more by their reputations. People call them Poison Ivy and Catwoman."

"Why do they call them that?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"I don't know," confessed Crane, honestly. "I think it might be some sort of…sexual innuendo. They're known to be…uh…what's the word?"

"Loose women," supplied Tetch.

"No, popular," retorted Crane, firmly. "We'll say they're popular. Especially among men. Though they do both have boyfriends – Selina is going out with Bruce Wayne, captain of the football team…"

"Or as I like to call him, testosterone for brains," said Nygma, returning to his puzzle.

"And Pamela is currently dating Harvey Dent. You may have seen his posters around, although they've been defaced…"

"Yes, I was there for that little incident," said Harley, nodding. "In fact, the first guy I met here was J."

They all looked up at her. "You mean…the Joker?" gasped Nygma.

"The Joker?" she repeated. "Is that J?"

"That's what he likes to be called," said Tetch. "Is he here?" he whispered, looking around nervously.

"No, I haven't seen him since biology," replied Harley. "Why do you all look so scared?"

"You'd do well to be scared of him too!" snapped Tetch. "The Joker is a terrifying man, and he thinks it's terribly funny to pick on our kind!"

"He's shoved my head down the toilet more times than I can count," agreed Crane.

"He likes to shove me into the lockers," said Tetch, shuddering.

"Wedgies," whispered Nygma, staring at the table in horror. "So many wedgies. And nipple twisters."

"Geez…I knew he was a jerk, but I didn't know he was such a bully!" said Harley, horrified. "You guys never fight back?"

"Fight back?" repeated Tetch, aghast. "That would only make him angry!"

"And it couldn't possibly do any good – he'd overpower us," said Crane. "He's remarkably strong for his build – you realize that when he's got your head pressed into the toilet bowl. And he just keeps flushing…"

"Well, he'd better not try any of that while I'm around," retorted Harley, firmly. "I don't put up with bullies."

"And just how are _you _going to stop him?" demanded Nygma. "He won't hesitate to pick on a girl. The man has no sense of decency."

"I'll just stand up to him," retorted Harley, firmly.

"Well, here's your chance," said Nygma, nodding. Harley turned to see that the Joker was heading over to them.

"Afternoon, boys!" he exclaimed, sitting down next to Tetch, who flinched. "Who's got some lunch for me? Or some lunch money? If you give it to me now, I promise I won't hang you from the flagpole by your underwear. You remember last week, huh, Eddie?" he chuckled, as Nygma hastily reached into his pocket and shoved some bills at Joker.

"Give him his money back," said Harley, quietly but firmly.

Joker turned to look at her, grinning. "That's pretty low, Eddie, getting a girl to fight your battles for ya," he said. "Especially the new girl, since she don't know not to mess with me. I'll forgive it this once, sweetheart, since you don't know any better," he said, pinching her cheek.

Harley slapped his hand away. "Give him his money back," she repeated.

Joker smiled. "Or what?" he asked, leaning over her.

"Or…I'll have to fight you," said Harley. Inwardly she was terrified – she had never been in a fight before, and she was pretty sure the Joker wasn't the type of man to take it easy on her because she was a girl. But she also knew she couldn't back down now, or she'd be bullied like the others for the rest of her time here.

Joker laughed. "You're gonna fight me?" he asked.

Harley nodded. He chuckled, standing up and holding open his arms. "All right, kid, gimme your best shot!" he said. "First punch is free! Lemme have it!"

Harley stood up. The cafeteria had silenced, and all eyes were on her now. She drew a deep breath, raising her fist.

"Is there a problem?" asked a voice. They turned to see Bruce Wayne standing behind them, arms folded across his chest. "Fighting a girl, J, really?" he asked, raising his eyebrow. "I didn't think even you could sink so low."

"Why doncha mind your own business, Rich Boy?" snapped Joker. "The doll said she wanted to fight me, so I'm giving her what she wants!"

"You know fighting's not allowed in this school, right?" asked Bruce, turning to Harley. "And you know you'll get in just as much trouble as him for it?"

"Yeah, but…he stole his lunch money," said Harley, nodding at Nygma. "It's the right thing to do."

Bruce stared at her, impressed. Then he turned back to the Joker. "Give Eddie back his lunch money, J," he snapped. "Or I'll fight you."

"I ain't scared of you, Rich Boy," snapped Joker.

Bruce beckoned someone over. "Have you met our new quarterback yet?" he asked, gesturing to the giant figure who approached them. "He's an exchange student from Santa Prisca. We can't pronounce his real name properly, so we just call him Bane."

Harley stared at the figure – he must have been about eight feet tall. "Still wanna fight me, J?" asked Bruce, lightly.

Joker growled, throwing the money back on the table and turning to go. "This ain't over, kid!" he hissed at Harley. "You're gonna really regret crossing me! Nobody messes with the Joker!"

"_Payaso loco_," muttered Bane, slouching off.

"C'mon," said Bruce, taking Harley's hand. "Come eat lunch with us. I thought that was really brave what you did, standing up to him like that."

"Oh…well…ya gotta stand up to bullies," said Harley, slowly. "That's the only way they'll stop."

"I agree," said Bruce. "Let me introduce you to the gang. This is my girlfriend, Selina, and her best friend, Pamela," he said, gesturing to the two girls who had refused to let Harley sit with them. They now had forced smiles on their faces.

"Hello," said Pamela. "Harley, is it? I hope you'll forgive us for the little misunderstanding earlier."

"Oh, that's…no problem," said Harley.

"I think you've met Harvey Dent," said Bruce, nodding at his friend. "And this is my teammate, Billy Dodgson, and his girlfriend, Alice Pleasance."

"It's really nice to meet you, Harley," said Alice, sincerely. "You ever done any cheerleading? Selina and Pammie and me are all cheerleaders."

"No, I…I used to do gymnastics as a hobby," said Harley. "But I ain't ever tried cheerleading."

"You should try out for the team!" said Alice, enthusiastically. "You'd be a great addition, huh, ladies?" she asked Selina and Pamela, who looked less than thrilled at the suggestion.

"Yeah…sure," said Selina, slowly. "She should definitely…try out."

"We're short a girl anyway, since one of our fellow cheerleaders left us to go to Germany," explained Alice. "She met this exchange student, Victor, when he was here, and they fell madly in love and got married, so she went with him when he went back. We miss her, but she's happy, and she sends us lots of letters. Apparently it's really cold in Germany, but Nora doesn't mind, because she's got Victor's love to keep her warm. Isn't that romantic?" she sighed.

"Yeah," agreed Harley. "Yeah, it is."

"Do you have a boyfriend?" continued Alice. "Back in Brooklyn, I mean."

"Er…no," said Harley, slowly. "No, I…ain't ever had a boyfriend."

Pamela snorted. "That's ok – we'll set you up with someone here!" said Alice, happily. "There are lots of nice guys at Arkham! What's your type?"

"Uh…I dunno," stammered Harley. "I ain't never really thought about it before."

Alice snapped her fingers suddenly. "I know! After the tryouts, the girls and I will take you to get a makeover! Maybe some new clothes, and some contact lenses, and get your hair and nails done! You'll feel like a totally different person, and the guys will just love you!"

"I…uh…ain't sure I wanna feel like a totally different person," stammered Harley. "I'm kinda ok…being me."

"Oh. Well, it was just an offer," said Alice, shrugging. "Never mind."

"No, I think it's a great idea, Alice," said Pamela, smiling. "And you wouldn't want to offend us, would you, Harley?"

"Oh…no, of course not," said Harley. "It might be…kinda fun. I guess."

Harley wasn't the kind of girl to give into peer pressure, but she was also acutely aware for the first time in her life that she had managed to end up with the cool kids, and she didn't want to instantly ruin that.

The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. "Why doncha meet us after school for some practice on the football field, Harley?" asked Alice, as she gathered up her things.

"Sure, Alice, that'd be nice," said Harley.

"Great! See you then!" she exclaimed. As she turned to go, she accidentally bumped against Jervis Tetch. "Oh, sorry, Jervis!" she exclaimed. "Good to see you again!"

"Yes…good…seeing…you…Alice!" stammered Tetch, gazing after her longingly.

"I see you've managed to end up with the popular group, Harley," said Crane, smiling at her. "Congratulations."

"Well, I doubt it'll last," said Harley. "Hey, uh, is there any kinda book club at this place? That's kinda more my thing than cheerleading."

Crane looked pleasantly surprised. "Oh…yes…uh…the three of us often meet to discuss books, or do homework, or study. We're in a competition to see who can become valedictorian."

"Well, count me in," said Harley, smiling. "I think that's a challenge I have a shot at winning. Not this cheerleading stuff. Just lemme know when you're meeting, huh?"

"Oh…yes," gasped Crane. "Yes, I…I will."

"Smitten, Jonathan?" asked Nygma, as Harley left. "I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. She's with the popular crowd now – far too good for the likes of us."

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure you're right," agreed Crane, gathering up his books. "But did you see the way she stood up to the Joker like that? It was just…so…unbelievable."

"So is your romance," snapped Nygma. "Trust me, don't get your hopes up. She's not for you. And the last thing I wanna do is hang out with two lovesick morons. Tetch is bad enough on his own with this Alice fixation. But hey, if you wanna waste your time mooning over some unattainable woman, it gives me a better shot at winning valedictorian."

He clapped him on the back and strode off. Crane sighed heavily. "I may not win Harley, Edward," he muttered. "But I will win valedictorian. You can bet your life on that."


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi, Harley! Over here!" called Alice, waving at Harley as she approached the football field after school. "The boys are just doing their warmup, so we're doing ours too!"

"Great. What's…uh…our team name again?" asked Harley.

"The Bats," replied Selina, doing some stretches. "We're the Arkham Bats."

"Makes us kinda sound like we're full of crazy people," said Harley, smiling. Everyone just looked at her. "That was…uh…a joke," she said, slowly. "Cause bats is a euphemism for crazy…"

"If you wanna tell jokes, hang out with the Joker," snapped Selina.

"Not for a million bucks," retorted Harley, putting down her bag. "So we're just stretching, huh?"

"Yeah. We can teach you a couple chants if you wanna," said Alice. "And try out a routine, maybe."

She pulled her jacket off, revealing her cheerleader outfit underneath. "Oh…wow," said Harley. "That's…uh…pretty skimpy stuff."

"Are you uncomfortable with skimpy?" asked Pamela, sarcastically.

"No, I just…don't normally show that much leg myself," replied Harley. "In fact, I don't normally…wear a lotta tight clothes."

"Yeah, you don't really have the figure for it," agreed Pamela. "I mean, you're thin enough, but what are those, like A cups?" she asked, nodding at her chest.

"Uh…yeah," stammered Harley. "Is that bad?"

"Let's just say guys usually wanna see some jiggling on the field," retorted Pamela, displaying her own prominent bust. "But don't worry – I'm sure you can pad 'em."

"If guys can stuff, so can we, am I right?" laughed Selina.

"Yeah," agreed Harley, slowly. "Sure…I guess I could do that."

She gradually took off her own jacket. "I'll show you a chant and some moves, Harley," said Alice. "Ready? _We'll run and dive and knock you flat – no chance against us, we're the Bats! Go Arkham!_ Now you try," she said, handing her some pom poms.

Harley took a deep breath, preparing to copy Alice. "No, no, no, your posture's all wrong," snapped Selina, coming over to her. "Stand up straight, chest out – show 'em the goods! What little there are," she added.

Pamela giggled. "I thought you were a gymnast, Harley," she said, grinning at her. "You think you could be a little more graceful with that jumping! You look like a trained seal!"

"Guys, I think you're being a little harsh," said Alice, surprised. "It's her first try. Go ahead, Harley, ignore them," she said, turning back to Harley.

Harley began the routine again. Both Pamela and Selina snickered. "Wow, Harley, you need to try this at home in front of the mirror anytime you need a laugh!" said Selina. "It's hilarious!"

Harley put down the pom poms, biting her lip to hold back tears. "Excuse me," she muttered, grabbing her bag and heading away from the field.

"Harley! Come back! They didn't mean it!" called Alice after her, but Harley didn't listen. She wandered over behind the bleachers, putting down her bag and letting her tears fall.

She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, you ok?"

She looked up, stunned, into the face of the Joker. "Why would you care?" she snapped, wiping her tears away angrily. "And why are you spying on me while I'm crying, huh? You wanna make fun of me too?"

"No," he replied, sincerely. "Who was making fun of you?"

"Never mind," muttered Harley. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"It was the queen bitches, wasn't it?" asked Joker. "Catwoman and Poison Ivy?"

"Why are they called that?" asked Harley.

"Well, Selina is called Catwoman because she's known to be very generous with her pussy," replied Joker. "And Pammie's called Poison Ivy because guys have been known to get a rash from her…y'know."

"That's pretty demeaning," replied Harley.

"They demean themselves," he said, shrugging. "The blonde's all right, though."

"Alice? Yeah, she's nice," agreed Harley.

"You ain't actually gonna hang out with them, though, are ya?" he asked. "You'd do better with the nerds."

"I dunno," she muttered. "Speaking of which, aren't you gonna try to beat me up for humiliating you today?"

He laughed. "Yeah. I saw you come over here and I was gonna drop a water balloon on you from the top of the bleachers," he said, nodding up. "But then I saw you were crying, and there wouldn't be a great joke in upsetting a gal who was already upset." He sat down next to her. "If I'm honest with ya, I was kinda impressed with you today," he said. "It's your first day, but that don't mean you'll take crap from people. I respect that. You got spunk, personality, a mind of your own. You don't conform like the rest of the freaks here. You stand up for yourself. I like it."

"Well, I guess I should be grateful somebody likes me," muttered Harley, drawing her knees up to her chest.

"What did they say about you?" he asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it," she repeated.

He was silent. "People say stuff about me too, y'know," he said. "Ya gotta learn not to let it bother you."

"Easier said than done," retorted Harley. "I've spent my whole life trying, God knows."

"Well, you wanna know my secret?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Sure."

"Treat it all like a joke," he replied. "If someone says you're too skinny, or ugly, or stupid, just don't take 'em seriously. Pretend it's a gag. It is, 'cause you ain't none of those things."

Harley sniffed, and he handed her a tissue. "You know, everyone says you're a monster," she murmured. "But you're not so bad a guy after all, huh?"

"Nah, I ain't so bad a guy," he agreed. "Don't tell anyone, though," he added, smiling. "I got a reputation to preserve."

"Is it true what Principal Leland said?" asked Harley. "That you ain't gonna graduate if you don't improve your grades?"

"Probably," he said, shrugging.

"Doncha wanna graduate?" she asked.

"Sure. But I can't improve my grades. Every time I try, I fail. I ain't got the kinda mind for memorizing facts and tests and crap," he said, waving his hand. "Some people say I don't have any kinda mind at all!" he added, laughing. "Shame, really. But I can't change who I am."

Harley studied him. "I'm doing this study group thing with Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch and Edward Nygma," she said. "If you ever wanted to…uh…come along, and try to improve your grades by studying with us…well, I'd be happy to help you out as best I can."

Joker laughed. "What, you, me, and the nerds?" he chuckled. "I can just see us now! What a riot!"

He chuckled, climbing to his feet. "Thanks, but no thanks, toots," he replied. "I ain't that desperate yet, and I hope to God I never will be."

"Ok, well…the offer's there if you need it," said Harley, softly.

He smiled at her. "You're a sweet kid," he murmured. "See ya around, huh?" he asked, striding off.

"Yeah…see ya around," she said, gazing after him and smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

"Oh God, it's that time of year again!" muttered Crane, stopping by his locker and noticing the posters put up on each one. "The utter humiliation and tediousness of having to endure watching everyone awkwardly ask each other to the prom, and knowing that no one would ever go with you in a hundred years!"

"You never ask anyone," retorted Tetch. "Faint heart never won fair lady, Jonathan."

"And who do you suggest I ask?" demanded Crane.

"Well, this year there's a definite candidate," said Tetch, nodding as Harley approached them.

"Morning, Johnny! Morning, Jervis!" she said.

"Oh…good…good morning, Harley," stammered Crane. "How was your cheerleading practice?"

"Uh…not great," replied Harley. "But it ended kinda ok, actually. What's this?" she said, noticing the poster.

"Oh…that's…uh…a notification about the upcoming rhythmic ceremonial ritual," stammered Crane.

"The what now?" asked Harley, reading it. "Oh, you mean prom!"

"Yes, prom," agreed Crane.

"Guess I won't be going to that!" laughed Harley, as she fiddled with her combination. "I can't imagine anyone would ask me."

Tetch elbowed Crane in the ribs. "Uh…well…Harley…I…er…um…that is…I…uh…"

He was cut off by Tetch crying out as he was suddenly grabbed and thrown into his locker, the door slamming shut after him. "Morning, nerds!" exclaimed the Joker, who was the one holding the door shut. "Great day to be stuffed into a locker, wouldn't you say?"

"J, let him out!" demanded Harley, rushing over to pull the locker open. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

"Like you, dollface?" he asked, grinning. "I'd be happy to resume our little fight of yesterday if you are. Hear that, everyone?" he shouted to the school at large. "I'm making the new girl prove that she ain't a chicken without the whole football team to back her up! Go ahead, sweetheart, throw a punch," he said, smiling at her.

Harley stared at him, confused and hurt. He had been so nice yesterday…maybe it had all been an act. "Uh…no," she muttered, returning her attention to her locker. "I don't wanna fight you…"

She opened the door to her locker and a cream pie suddenly hit her in the face, splattering all over her clothes and hair. Joker began laughing hysterically as Harley slowly tried to process what had just happened, shaking from the shock.

"Ok, now we're even, sweetheart," Joker said, grinning at the assembled onlookers. "You humiliate me, so I humiliate you…"

"You jerk!" shrieked Harley, her shock turning to rage. "You utter creep! I can't believe you would do something like this! It's all over my hair, and…my clothes…they're ruined!" she cried, feeling hot tears rushing to her face.

Joker snorted. "No loss, is it?" he said.

The tears began falling. It hurt more than the humiliation would anyway, since he had seemed so sweet and compassionate yesterday. Obviously that was just a joke to hurt her more. She choked on a sob, and then raced down the hall, crying loudly all the way to the bathroom.

"You…brute!" gasped Crane, breaking the silence from the surrounding students.

"Oh, shut up, Johnny, or I'll give ya another swirly," muttered Joker. "It was just a gag. She should lighten up."

"It was cruel, J," snapped Alice. "As cruel as anything Selina and Pamela said yesterday. I don't know why everyone's being so mean to Harley – she seems really nice. And I'm gonna go see that she's ok. Excuse me," she said, heading for the bathroom.

"I ain't nothing like those two bitches!" shouted Joker. "It's not cruel – it was a joke! Just a joke! Gal's got…a sense of humor…"

The bell rang and everyone began heading for their classes. Joker stood alone for a moment, and then made his way over to the bathroom.

"J, you can't be in here!" shouted Alice, who was helping Harley rinse the pie filling out of her hair. "This is a girls' bathroom!"

"So kick me out," retorted Joker, folding his arms across his chest. "If you can. Go report me to Principal Leland."

"What are you doing here?" muttered Harley, studying her hair in the mirror. "Come to gloat?"

"No, if you must know, I came to apologize," retorted Joker. "Apparently some people have interpreted my joke as being cruel. It wasn't meant to be cruel – pie in the face gags are hilarious!"

"And that jibe about my clothes?" demanded Harley.

He shrugged. "Well, you could dress nicer…" he began.

"Listen to me, you selfish creep!" snapped Harley. "You wanna know why my parents moved here from Brooklyn? Because my Dad lost his job! He came here because he got another one, one that pays a lot less than it used to! He moved us into this cramped apartment with barely room for the three of us, because that's the only kinda place we can afford now! And he can't afford to buy me a lotta new, nice-looking, designer clothes just so I can fit in with the other kids! And even though I know that means I'm gonna get teased and bullied for the way I dress, I ain't selfish enough to make him feel guilty about it and beg him for some! And the last thing I wanna do when I have to adjust to a new school and a new city and a new life without any money is to be picked on by the likes of you, some stupid, self-centered slacker who only seems to be interested in a buncha dumb, cruel jokes! Now just get lost, would ya?"

Joker stared at her. "Look, Harley, I didn't mean…you gotta believe me, I didn't mean…to upset you. I thought you had a sense of humor! I thought you'd enjoy the joke!"

"No one enjoys being a punchline to a joke, J," she snapped. "I certainly don't."

She wiped her clothes off one final time, and turned to glare at him. "I thought you were a nice boy, deep down inside," she muttered. "Guess we were both wrong. C'mon, Alice."

She headed for the door. Joker caught her arm. "Look, tell me what I can do to make it up to you," he said. "I'm serious – I'm sorry for what I said and did, and I wanna prove it."

"I don't care what you want, and I don't care what you do," she retorted, coldly. "And I take back my offer to help you study. You deserve to fail."

"J, what are you doing in the girls' bathroom?" demanded Principal Leland, entering at that moment and seeing him. "Get out right now!"

Joker glared from her and Harley, and then stormed out. "Are you two ok?" asked Principal Leland. "Harley, what happened to your clothes?"

"J set up a cream pie to hit me in the face when I opened my locker," replied Harley.

"Oh, for the love of…" hissed Principal Leland. "Alice, get to class. Harley, come with me. We'll call your parents and have them bring you something else to wear."

Harley nodded, tears in her eyes as she followed her out of the bathroom. "Honestly, these kids!" sighed Principal Leland, under her breath. "I'd rather be running an insane asylum!"


	5. Chapter 5

"What is the actual point of a pep rally?" demanded Nygma, as he, Crane, and Tetch sat squashed together in the auditorium with the rest of the school. "It's such a mandatory waste of time which could be better spent studying."

"I assume the clue is in the name," replied Tetch, not looking up from his book. "It's meant to rally your pep, whatever that means. Utter nonsense, if you ask me. We don't have such things in England."

"Yes, I mean, logically it makes no sense," agreed Crane. "Assuming you are the sort of person who enjoys sporting events, presumably you're already excited for your local team to be playing and hoping they'll win. And assuming you're not, being forced to cheer for them certainly isn't going to change your mind."

"It's just a self-satisfied display of mindless machismo and testosterone," continued Nygma. "All these athletic types patting each other on the back for something they haven't even accomplished yet, and forcing the rest of us poor souls to endure it."

"Yes, but there are…some benefits," sighed Tetch, looking up from his book as the cheerleaders entered the auditorium. "She's just so beautiful! And sweet and kind and perfect…"

"Oh, man up, Jervis!" snapped Nygma.

"Harley!" called Crane, waving at her as she entered the auditorium in different clothes. "Come sit with us!"

"Thanks, Johnny," said Harley, taking the seat next to him as he squeezed in next to Nygma, who didn't look pleased.

"I'm so sorry about what happened this morning, but may I say you handled the whole situation with the utmost grace and dignity…" began Crane.

"Thanks, Johnny, but I don't really wanna talk about it," said Harley, smoothing down her new clothes, which she thought looked even worse than the old ones had. "What hurts the most is that J came to comfort me after I got upset at cheerleading practice. He seemed like kinda a nice guy. Guess I was wrong about him, though. I'm horrible at judging people. And so socially awkward…"

"No, no, no," said Crane, hastily. "Oh no, you're not! Certainly not compared with me or Jervis or Edward…"

"Speak for yourself!" snapped Nygma.

"I guess I just learned my lesson about wanting to see the best in people," she murmured. "Some people are just rotten to the core…ow!" she said, as something landed in her hair.

It was a paper airplane. She pulled it out, looking around angrily, and spotted the Joker not far away from her, waving. She glared at him, about to throw it back at him, but he made an opening gesture with his hands. Finally, Harley realized that he wanted her to open the airplane, and she unfolded it. There was a note written inside.

_Harley,_

_I'm really sorry about today. You're a sweet kid, and I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I hope this goes a little way toward making you feel better – it's the only way I know to show I'm sorry anyway. What happens next is all for you._

_Sincerely, _

_J._

"What…" began Harley, but suddenly the lights in the auditorium went out. And then the fireworks began.

Screaming and chaos descended on the room as loud bangs and explosions started going off everywhere. In the glimpses of light, Harley thought she saw the Joker creeping toward the center of the room, where the football players and cheerleaders were huddled together in the confusion. The madness lasted for several long minutes before the lights switched back on…but the shrieking continued.

"Oh my God, get it off!" screamed Pamela, as she fought to free herself and Selina from a net which had firecrackers attached to it. They began screaming as the firecrackers started to go off, sending sparks flying onto their clothes and singeing their hair.

"Alice!" shouted Tetch, racing off the benches and grabbing her hand, pulling her out of harm's way. The football players began trying to untangle the net, which was difficult with Selina and Pamela screaming and struggling to get free.

Harley watched the scene in astonishment, and then turned to look at the Joker, who had returned to his seat and was now chuckling madly. "Not funny!" Harley mouthed at him, but as she turned back to face the panicked cheerleaders, she couldn't resist smiling a little to herself.

"Alice, are you ok?" asked Billy, coming over to his girlfriend when Selina and Pamela were free at last and being escorted, still screaming in rage, to the nurses' office.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine, Billy," replied Alice. "Wasn't even singed thanks to Jervis here. You're such a sweet guy, Jervis!" she said, beaming at him. "How can I ever thank you?"

"No…need," stammered Tetch. "Happy…happy to do it."

"Well, that ain't good enough for me," said Alice, smiling. She bent down and kissed his cheek. "Thanks, Jervis," she murmured.

Tetch managed a slow nod, staggering back to the benches. "I shall never in my life be as happy again as I am at this moment," he murmured, dreamily.

"You're so pathetic," snapped Nygma, slamming his book shut. "Anyway, I can't possibly concentrate on studying with all this chaos. And since I assume this ridiculous display is now cancelled, I'm heading back to the library. See you there."

"So, whaddya think, dollface?" asked Joker's voice from behind Harley. She turned to see him smiling at her. "Quite a show, huh?"

"Yes," agreed Crane, glaring at him suspiciously. "I wonder who could be responsible for it."

"Yeah, so do I," agreed Joker. "Must be a pretty dedicated guy, going through all that effort. I'd certainly be impressed."

"If only he could dedicate himself as much to his studies, he might have a chance of graduating," said Harley, lightly.

"Well, maybe he would if he had someone to help him out," said Joker. "You know anyone who'd be willing to do that, Harley?"

Harley smiled despite herself, standing up. "I'll ask around," she said. "Maybe if he continues to impress, I'll do it myself."

Joker grinned. "No problemo, toots!" he chuckled. "He ain't the kinda guy to disappoint, don't you worry!"

"Were the two of you speaking in some sort of code?" asked Crane, following Harley out of the auditorium.

"I think we were pretty clearly saying what we meant," said Harley, returning to her locker. She opened it to see that any remaining pie spills had been cleaned up. One of the prom posters was stuck inside, and for a moment, Harley wondered if it had been left there deliberately, maybe as a sort of shy invitation from the guy who had cleaned up her locker. But the thought vanished in an instant, and she smirked, crumpling the poster up. "Nice joke, Harl," she muttered to herself. "J trying to be subtle? Don't make me laugh."


	6. Chapter 6

"97?! 97?! Oh God, how could this day get any worse?" groaned Crane, storming into the library after school.

"What's up, Johnny?" asked Harley, as she, Nygma, and Tetch looked up from their respective textbooks.

Crane threw the paper down on the table. "I got a 97 on my history exam! A 97! Can you believe it?!"

"Great job…" began Harley, but the other two started laughing.

"See ya later, Sal!" chuckled Nygma.

"Sal?" said Harley, confused.

"Short for salutatorian," explained Tetch. "Only the second highest academic achiever, and therefore a failure at life."

"Shut up, Jervis," growled Crane, grabbing a piece of paper and doing some quick calculations. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Even with such a grade, I'm still in the running thanks to that 107 I got on my psychology paper."

"What did they knock off the three points for?" asked Tetch, examining the test.

"I was asked what caused the first World War," replied Crane. "So I explained the truth to them: fear. Fear causes everything – it is the motivation upon which all people and nations are shaped. It was the fear of every European country before the first World War that all other nations would outstrip them in terms of wealth, power, and empire. It was fear of losing face that caused them to side with their allies. It was fear of the victory of unfriendly powers that persuaded the United States to join the war. The whole incident was caused, fought, and perpetuated by fear. But it turns out the answer they were looking for was the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. As if I'm a mind reader and I'm meant to know they wanted a simple, one-word summary!"

"There _is_ only one line for the answer," said Harley, slowly. "And you kinda gave them an essay. Did you even mention Archduke Ferdinand?"

"He was a tiny cog in the giant machine of fear!" snapped Crane.

Nygma snorted. "Pathetic," he muttered, returning his attention to his book.

"Actually, I think a 97 is pretty good," said Harley. "I'd certainly be proud of a grade like that."

"I think, Harley, that you may not be quite familiar with how ruthless and cutthroat a competition this is," said Tetch. "The prize is _valedictorian_ – official recognition from an authoritative source that you're the most intelligent student in the school. High 90s will not do. Hundreds or better are the standard among the three of us. It is an intense rivalry."

"And I've never scored less than a hundred on a test," retorted Nygma.

"Really? Never? In any subject?" asked Harley, astonished.

Nygma smiled. "I'm incredibly intelligent, what can I say?" he sighed. "And I will prove it to the world at graduation, when I am named valedictorian."

"In your dreams, Edward," snapped Tetch. "That title is clearly mine!"

"If Alice asked you to bow out, you would, wouldn't you?" asked Nygma.

"That is entirely beside the point!" snapped Tetch. "First of all, she would never ask me to do such a thing! And second of all, I daresay she'll be so impressed when I am valedictorian, that she will be unable to help herself falling in love with me. I have the motivation of love, so I am destined to win," he said, simply.

"You know that's not really how life works, right, nerdlinger?" said a voice from the doorway. They all turned to see the Joker standing there, grinning.

Tetch and Nygma dived under the table. "What are you doing here, Joker?" demanded Crane, coming over to stand protectively in front of Harley.

"Harley invited me," he said, pulling out a chair and putting his feet up on the table. "Said she'd help me study."

"You think you've earned my help?" asked Harley. "You think I've just forgiven you for that pie incident?"

He shrugged. "You ask me to go, I'll go," he said. "The last thing I wanna do is force my company upon people who don't wanna hang out with me. But there's a math test tomorrow, and I'm kinda gonna fail it without help."

"I don't see how that's any concern of ours," snapped Tetch, peeking up over the edge of the table. "You've never sought help from us before – you've only tormented us!"

"Well, nobody ever offered to help me before," said Joker, shrugging. "But now Harley has, so here I am. I'll go if she wants me to," he said, looking at her.

Harley shrugged. "You can stay if you wanna. Although I warn you, I ain't the greatest at math myself. You'll need one of these geniuses to help you with that," she said, nodding at Tetch and Nygma, who had climbed slowly back into their seats.

"Edward's the math genius," said Tetch, pointing hastily at him. "Jonathan and I are more adept with the arts and sciences…"

"Huh. So I'm gonna be stuck with Eddie as my study buddy if I stay, is that what you're saying?" asked Joker.

"Yep," agreed Harley, failing to repress a grin.

Joker grinned back. "All right, Eddie, you're on," he said, coming over to sit next to him. "It's math time!"

Nygma looked helplessly at his companions, sighed, and pulled out his math textbook. Harley continued to grin, returning her attention to her own work. She occasionally glanced up to see Nygma frustratedly trying to explain basic math problems to Joker, who didn't seem to be getting it. He would occasionally glance up to meet her eyes, and smile back.

"So that's algebra, huh?" asked Joker, after about half an hour of being lectured by Nygma.

"That was multiplication!" snapped Nygma. "You need to learn this basic stuff before we can move on to more complex systems of numbers!"

"Oh, God!" groaned Joker, slamming his face resignedly into the open book in front of him. Harley giggled.

"It ain't funny, toots, it's torture!" snapped Joker. "And this nerd ain't being very sympathetic!"

"Why should I be sympathetic to a man who's given me innumerable wedgies?" demanded Nygma.

"Here, Eddie, let me try," said Harley, taking the book from him. "Why don't we try phrasing these problems in ways you're gonna understand, J? See, now if you have ten cherry bombs, and x is the number of 'em you flush down the toilet, and you're left with four cherry bombs, what is x?"

Joker began counting down on his fingers. "Six," he said.

"Uh huh," said Harley, proudly. "And they're gonna cause a lotta plumbing damage."

He chuckled, moving closer to her. Crane watched them both with narrowed eyes over the top of his book.

"When are you going to ask Harley about prom?" asked Tetch as they left together after study group was over. Joker and Harley walked ahead of them, talking and laughing. "You mustn't let fear hold you back, you know, Jonathan."

"I don't believe I'm the man Harley would be interested in going with," muttered Crane, glaring at the couple ahead of him.

Tetch laughed. "My dear Jonathan, you're talking nonsense! You don't need to fear competition from that delinquent! He has all the charm of the Queen of Hearts! And he upset Harley frightfully today."

"I think she's forgiven him for that," growled Crane. "I'll never understand women, you know."

"Do you honestly think the Joker is interested in going to the prom with anyone?" demanded Tetch. "The man doesn't take anything seriously! Especially not the prom, the ultimate ritual of conformity! He probably won't even be attending it! And even if he does, if you ask Harley first, you can beat him to the punch! And just think what a victory that would be, after all those times he flushed your head down the toilet!"

Crane nodded slowly. "Yes, you're right, Jervis."

"Ask her now," said Tetch, shoving him gently forward.

Crane cleared his throat, interrupting Joker and Harley's conversation. "Um…Harley…could I have a quick word?" he asked.

"Sure, Johnny, go ahead," said Harley.

"Uh…no…in private," said Crane, glaring at Joker.

"Oh," said Harley, surprised. "Uh…sure. I'll be back in a second…" she said to Joker, but he caught her hand.

"Look, before you go, there's something I've kinda been wanting to ask ya," he said. "Do you wanna go to the prom with me?"

Crane grew furious – clearly Joker had anticipated his question and was keen to thwart him. But he was surprised, and so was Joker, when Harley just stared at him, hurt. "Why…why would you say something like that?" she whispered. "It's not a funny joke, J. It's just hurtful."

"It's not a joke!" exclaimed Joker. "I really wanna take you!"

She ripped her hand out of his and stepped away from him, tears in her eyes. "Then you're very cruel," she murmured. "Very cruel, to get my hopes up like that when you know there's no possible way I can go to the prom. I told you about my family's situation. How can I expect them to buy me a nice dress and shoes and go through all that expense just for some silly dance? How can you expect me to ask them to do that?"

"Look, Harley, you tell me you wanna go and I'll take care of all the expense…" he began.

"I don't want your charity!" she snapped. "And I don't wanna go to prom with you! Or anyone! I'll see you later!" she said, storming off.

Crane let out a sigh of relief. "Well, thank you for sparing me that tongue-lashing, J…" he began, but Joker grabbed him around the throat, lifting him off his feet.

"Another word outta you and your head goes in the toilet!" he hissed.

Crane nodded vigorously. Joker slowly lowered him to the ground and left the building. "Serves me right for being serious, I guess," he muttered, kicking a passing can. "Serves me right for caring."


	7. Chapter 7

A flyer was shoved in Harley's face the moment she entered the school the next morning. "Vote Dent!" said Harvey Dent, who was standing by the door handing them out to every student who entered.

"Uh…thanks…I will," stammered Harley, taking it from him slowly as she headed over to her locker.

"I don't even know why he's bothering with all this campaigning," said Crane, unpacking his books. "He's running completely unopposed, as usual."

"I imagine he has some form of conscience," said Tetch. "And doesn't want to feel like he's getting something for nothing."

"What _is _he getting, besides a huge headache?" asked Harley. "Nobody in their right mind would wanna be in charge of this place!"

"Well, the class president has complete control over all student activities and social functions," explained Tetch. "It's as much power as one can possibly wield as a student. And Harvey enjoys his power, and the respect from his peers that goes along with it. True, he has a great deal of responsibilities, but he enjoys them too. And in all honesty, he's very good at them."

"He seems like a decent guy," said Harley, impressed. "What's he doing dating Pamela?"

"There is a stereotype that certain men value looks over personality," replied Crane. "I would associate Harvey with that stereotype. But you never know – a cutthroat, ruthless woman might be just the thing to have on your campaign trail."

"I just wish we didn't have to put up with all this rigmarole," sighed Tetch. "First the mandatory pep rally, and now this stupid campaign assembly – it just wastes valuable time!"

"Speaking of wasting time," muttered Crane, seeing the Joker approach them. Tetch ducked into his locker to save Joker the trouble of shoving him in, but Joker didn't appear to be in the mood for it, knocking past them and heading for one of Harvey's newly printed campaign posters. He pulled out a can of blue spray paint, whistling, and began defacing the posters a second time.

"Why are you doing that?" demanded Harley.

He shrugged. "Dunno. It's fun, I guess," he said, moving onto the next one.

"It's not fun to destroy other people's hard work!" snapped Harley. "It's just cruel!"

"It's fun to me, all right?" snapped Joker, rounding on her. "It's fun for me to teach everyone a lesson about taking themselves so goddamn seriously! Those nerds and their grades! Harvey and his campaign! They're just so wrapped up with meaningless crap! None of this matters, and the fact that they think it does is massively irritating to me, all right?"

"People taking things seriously annoys you?" demanded Harley. "Is it because you're incapable of taking anything seriously?"

"What's there to take seriously?" he retorted. "Life's one big joke."

"I hope you won't always think that," hissed Harley.

"No, I'm pretty sure I will," he replied.

"Then I feel very sorry for you," murmured Harley. "You'll never have any sense of accomplishment, or any pride in your own achievements. You'll live your life mocking other people's, but never truly having one of your own. I take my grades seriously, because I have to get into college on a scholarship. That _does _matter to me, because I'm hoping to improve my life. And it's a shame that you can't dedicate yourself to something that will improve your own life, rather than tearing down everybody else's. But I guess I shouldn't have expected anything else from a heartless bully."

She turned to go, but he grabbed her arm, ripping her back to him. "Is that really what you think of me?" he demanded, seizing her shoulders.

"Why? What else are you?" she asked. It was a strange moment for Harley, because although she appeared outwardly calm, her body was shaking and her heart was pounding wildly as his hands gripped her shoulders. He didn't say anything in response – just glared at her, the intensity of his eyes almost hurting her. She could feel the heat radiating from the closeness of his body, and she felt the heat from her own body responding, drawing him in. His face came closer to hers, and she shut her eyes, feeling every breath from the nearness of his lips…

"God dammit, J!" shouted Harvey Dent suddenly, breaking the spell. Her eyes snapped open to see Harvey storming toward them. "Leave my goddamn posters alone!"

Joker released Harley and raced off, with Harvey rushing after him. Harley stood there, still shaking slightly, and feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment that he hadn't kissed her.

She didn't know why she should be disappointed about it – she didn't really like the guy. And he wasn't objectively handsome, so it shouldn't really be a matter of physical attraction. She was still trying to puzzle it out as she shuffled into the auditorium again for Harvey Dent's campaign speech.

"Fellow students, it's such an honor to be standing in front of you again, hoping to be trusted by you again to be your class president," said Harvey, smiling his usual, charming smile. "As you know, I take my responsibilities very seriously, and I can assure you if I'm re-elected, this year's prom will be our best yet. My girlfriend, Pamela Isley, has already volunteered to organize the decorations, and I think you'll be just as excited as I am to see what kind of themes she has in mind. But before I can put those ideas and many others into place, I need to be re-elected. And I realize this isn't a difficult task, standing as I am completely unopposed…"

"No, you ain't," said a voice suddenly. Everyone turned to see the Joker striding down the aisle. There were murmurs and shouts of anger as he took the stage next to Harvey.

"J…what are you doing here?" hissed Harvey, furiously.

"I'm running against you," he said. "Thought this would be just the time and place to announce my candidacy publicly! Everyone who's anyone is here!" he chuckled.

"If this is a joke, J, it isn't funny!" snapped Harvey.

"It's no joke, Harvey," retorted Joker. "I'm running against you. Granted, it'll be tough for me to win a popularity contest like this, but I'm a guy who likes a challenge!" he laughed.

"J…you can't…" stammered Harvey. He looked pleadingly at Principal Leland. "He can't, can he?" he asked.

Principal Leland nodded slowly. "Actually, he can."

There was an uproar from everyone at this. "Now just calm down, everyone!" said Harvey. "I mean…maybe he can actually _run_ for class president, but I'm almost positive there's no chance of him winning it."

"We'll see about that, Harv!" said Joker, grabbing the microphone from him. "So, time for my big speech now, huh? Well, you folks all know me! The Joker, the J-Man, the Big J! I'm the guy who's brought untold smiles and laughter to your face for the past four years! But I'm standing here today trying to be taken seriously for once, and believe me, I'm as surprised about this as you are! But y'know, a guy can't spend his life just mocking other people's. He's gotta achieve something on his own. And I wanna achieve this class presidency."

"Why the hell are you doing this?" hissed Harvey, furiously.

Joker shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I'm making a point about what a joke this whole class presidency thing is. Or student politics in general. Or just politics in general, that a clown like me can even run in an election!" he chuckled. "Maybe I wanna give you some kinda competition, Harv, just so you don't get bored. Or maybe…I want someone out there to think of me as more than just a heartless bully," he said, looking at Harley. "But whatever the reason, the fact of the matter is, I'm running against you. And I'm gonna win."

Harvey's rage was shaking his whole body, but he resumed his usual, charming smile. "Ok, J," he said. "I'll still beat you, so I don't know why it really matters. The students of Arkham aren't stupid – they aren't going to vote for some joke of a nobody after my years of dedicated service. So yeah, run if you want. I'll look forward to running you into the ground."

He turned back to the assembled students. "So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Vote for Harvey Dent, proven leader, or this clown. I know you'll make the right choice."

He stormed off the stage as the assembly was dismissed. Harley had been staring in astonishment at Joker since he appeared on stage, and now rushed over to him. "Why are you doing this?" she demanded. "Really?"

"You heard my answer to that, toots – take your pick of whichever one you like best," he replied.

"You'll never win," she said. "You should save yourself a big humiliation and back down…"

"You wanna bet?" he interrupted.

"What?"

"You wanna bet that I ain't gonna win?" he asked.

"Yeah…sure," said Harley, slowly. "What do we bet?"

He held out his hand. "If I win, you come with me to the prom, all expenses paid."

Harley stared at him. "You can't be serious…"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" he asked, grinning. "C'mon, sweetheart, take the bet. Unless you're afraid I _am_ gonna win."

Harley shook her head. "You won't," she retorted firmly. "Not in a million years."

"Deal then?" he asked, holding out his hand.

She looked for a joy buzzer, and then shook it slowly. "Deal," she agreed. "Now I…better go. I guess I should wish you good luck, but it doesn't matter. Harvey's gonna win, fair and square."

Joker stared after her, smiling to himself. "Well, you know what they say," he chuckled. "All's fair in love and war!"


	8. Chapter 8

Edward Nygma left the empty classroom with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Whistling, he headed for the library, reaching his hand into his pocket and making sure what he had just stolen was still there.

He was suddenly grabbed and pulled into a corner. "Eddie Nygma, just the guy I wanted to see!" said the Joker, beaming at him. "How ya doing, pal? It's been forever!"

"I just saw you…yesterday afternoon," stammered Nygma.

"Yeah, well, a lot's happened to me since then, Eddie," said Joker. "As you may have heard, I threw my hat into the ring for this whole class president election."

"Y…yes, I did hear…something of the kind," said Nygma, slowly.

"But you weren't there for that assembly, were you, Eddie?" said Joker, grinning. "Everyone else in the whole school was, but you weren't. You've actually been missing out on quite a few assemblies. You've been wandering around the classrooms while the teachers are out and stealing…certain things," he said, reaching into Nygma's pocket and pulling out a test answer sheet. He smiled at him. "It's a little naughty, wouldn't you say? Both the stealing and the cheating. Is the title really worth having if you didn't win it fair and square?"

"I…think so, yes," retorted Nygma.

"Hey, me too!" exclaimed Joker. "You're a man after my own heart, Eddie! I feel kinda bad for beating you up all those times. Not bad enough not to do it again if you ask for it, though," he said, picking him up and slamming him against the lockers. "So here's the deal, Eddie," he hissed. "I don't tell your little nerd friends or anyone else that you're cheating to get your good grades, and you do a little favor for me."

"What…what kinda favor?" gasped Nygma.

"Oh, just a small, little, tiny, unimportant thing, Eddie!" chuckled Joker. "I want you to rig my election."

Nygma stared at him. "I'm…sorry?" he stammered.

"Rig my election," repeated Joker. "I wanna win that class presidency, Eddie, and I don't care how I do it. Kinda like you and this whole valedictorian thing, huh? So I'm gonna keep your secret, and you're gonna win this election for me. That's fair, right?"

"But…but I don't know how to do that…I don't even know where to begin!" exclaimed Nygma.

Joker laughed, dropping him to the ground. "Then I suggest you head off to the library and read some books," he said. "Smart guy like you's gonna have no problem figuring it out. At least, you better not, unless you want me telling Principal Leland what you've been doing, and get you disqualified from this whole valedictorian competition. And I know you, Eddie – you'd never live down the shame of not being named the smartest guy in school. Beaten by the likes of Johnny Crane and Jervis Tetch, no less. Wouldn't that be such a shame?"

"How…how did you know?" demanded Nygma. "About the cheating…"

"Oh, c'mon, Eddie!" laughed Joker. "Hundreds on every test? No one's that smart! Unless they're smart like a fox, if you get my drift. And you and me, we're both smart like a fox. I'm just a little smarter than you!" chuckled Joker, patting him on the head.

"I won't be blackmailed by the likes of you!" snapped Nygma.

"Ok, then," said Joker, shrugging as he pocketed the test answer sheet and headed for the stairs. "I'm just gonna give this to my old pal Leland…"

"J, no!" cried Nygma.

Joker turned to him slowly. "Hmm…I guess you're right," he said, glancing over the sheet. "Much better that I just keep it for myself. In fact, I'll make our little deal even better, Eddie…for me, that is!" he giggled. "You share every little cheat sheet you swipe with me, so I can bring my grades up. After all, it wouldn't do for the class president to be failing outta high school, would it? See, you're already helping me with my image! But I guess it's the votes that really count. And you're gonna get 'em for me, aren't you, Eddie? Or am I gonna go give Leland a little present?"

"But…but J, I…" stammered Nygma. "I…I…yes, I'll…I'll figure it out."

"There's a smart guy!" chuckled Joker, slapping him on the back. "Well, I'm off to think up some campaign slogans – I'll leave you to do the real work! Let's see – 'Vote for J – he's ok!' But I'm much better than ok, so that won't work. 'Vote for J – he knows the way!' What am I, a baptist preacher? 'Vote for J, or else you're gay' – that's really offensive to the homosexual community. I like it!" he laughed, wandering off.

…

"You'd better win this thing, Harv!" snapped Pamela Isley, watching her boyfriend Harvey Dent pacing up and down the track field at lunch. "I'm not sharing my ideas for prom with that clown!"

"Pammie, right now prom is the least of my worries, all right?" snarled Harvey, kicking at the ground. He saw something shiny staring up at him, picked up the revealed coin, and began flipping it nervously.

"What's to be worried about?" asked Selina Kyle. "You're way more popular than J, Harvey. There's no question of you losing…"

"Do you actually think J's gonna fight fair?" demanded Harvey, rounding on her. "No, I don't trust him. I don't trust this whole running for class president thing. He's up to something. It's just a cover for one of his stupid jokes, but I don't know what it is! And I don't want it to blow up in my face! This is my last year to be class president, and I'm gonna go out with a bang! And not a bang set up by J!"

"So we should find out what he's up to," said Pamela, nodding. "Ask around. Persuade some people to talk," she said, studying her nails.

"Nah, that won't work with J," retorted Harvey. "He doesn't confide in anyone except himself."

"Mmm, don't be so sure," said Selina, glancing over to where Harley sat reading under a tree. "Y'know after he pied the new girl in the face, he apologized to her."

Harvey stared at her. "J doesn't apologize to anyone," he snapped. "Who'd you hear that from?"

"Alice," said Selina. "She doesn't lie."

"Nah, she's too dumb to do that," agreed Harvey. He studied Harley. "You think J's sweet on her or something?"

"Ugh, please, Harvey, don't make me sick," said Pamela, making a face. "The thought of that thing being sweet on someone is disgusting."

"Maybe," agreed Harvey, flipping his coin again. "Or maybe it can work to our advantage."

He turned to Selina and Pamela. "You two were mean to her, weren't ya?" he asked. "Go apologize."

"I don't apologize, Harvey, because I'm never wrong," snapped Pamela, folding her arms across her chest.

"I want her on my side, Pam," retorted Harvey. "Especially if J's sweet on her. It'll be a blow for him to see her helping me out with my campaign. And I wanna strike the first blow."

"Hello, Harley," said a voice. Harley looked up to see Selina and Pamela standing over her, smiling.

"Oh…hi," she said, slowly. "Can I help you?"

"We just wanted to apologize for the way we treated you during cheerleading practice," said Pamela. "That was really mean of us, and completely uncalled for."

"We think you're a nice girl, and we'd like to be your friends," continued Selina. "What do you say? Will you hang out with us again?"

"Uh…sure…I guess," stammered Harley, picking up her book and following them.

"Hi Harley, great to see you again," said Harvey, smiling his charming smile. "What did you think of my little speech earlier?"

"Oh, it was…uh…great," said Harley. "Really great. J doesn't stand a chance."

"No, I don't think so either," agreed Harvey. "Any ideas as to why he's doing all this? I don't think he's told me his real reason – you know him, Mr. Insincere! They don't call him the Joker for nothing!"

"Uh…no," said Harley, slowly. "No, I…I dunno any more than you do, Harvey." She stared down at the ground, feeling herself blushing slightly. Harvey was right – she shouldn't trust a guy who called himself the Joker. But the idea that he was doing this whole campaign just to take her to prom was kinda sweet.

"Oh my God…you like him!" gasped Pamela, noticing her blush. "That's just…oh God…excuse me, I gotta go be sick somewhere!" she said, rushing off.

"I think he really likes you too, Harley," said Selina, smiling. "And in my opinion, you two would make such a cute couple. Why doncha go for it? Ask him out?"

"I…I don't…uh…I don't think…that would be a good idea," stammered Harley. "And I don't like him in that way, really. He's a jerk."

"Oh, c'mon, Harley," said Selina. "J has his good points." She thought for a moment. "I can't think of any right now, but they're there."

"And, y'know, maybe if he started to like you, and trust you, he might tell you what this campaign is really about," agreed Harvey. "And then you could tell me, and I could make sure he doesn't win it. I mean, you don't want him to win, do you, Harley? The man has no sense of responsibility – prom would be a disaster! This place would fall apart under his leadership!"

"So if you won't ask J out because you like him, do it for Harvey," said Selina. "Do it for your school. Arkham can't have that madman running it."

"And I'd be so grateful to you, Harley," said Harvey, smiling. "And it's no bad thing to have the class president in your debt. I could certainly arrange a few favors for you."

"Oh, I don't…uh…know, Harvey," said Harley, slowly. "I would feel bad pretending I was interested in a guy just to spy on him. I wouldn't want to use anyone like that. So I really appreciate the offer, but…"

"Your folks are poor, right, Harley?" interrupted Selina. "Alice mentioned something along those lines, in a very kind way, of course."

"Oh…yeah…they are," agreed Harley.

"I bet you winning a college scholarship would mean the world to 'em," continued Selina. "And you know Harvey knows everyone on the scholarship committee, right? I'm sure he could put in a good word for you."

"I certainly could," said Harvey, nodding. "In fact, I could almost guarantee you'd get that scholarship, assuming you help me out here, of course."

Harley stared at him. "You'd…you'd do that…just for me getting some info outta J?"

"Sure I would," agreed Harvey. "Now that's not being unreasonable, is it, Harley? Just make him tell you what he's really planning, and you get a free ride to college! Couldn't be simpler! And there's nothing really wrong or unethical about this, after all. You don't have to sleep with the guy or anything. Just be interested in him. Get him to trust you. Make him talk. You can do that, can't you, Harley?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I…guess I can."

"Great!" exclaimed Harvey, beaming at her. "Selina, why don't you, Pamela, and Alice take Harley to the mall after school for that makeover you were talking about? She needs to be irresistible for J. And couple her natural beauty with a few tweaks here and there, and he doesn't stand a chance!"

"Good idea, Harvey," agreed Selina. The lunch bell rang. "See you after school, Harley," said Selina, following Harvey inside.

"Uh…yeah…see ya," whispered Harley, watching them go and wondering what she had just agreed to.


	9. Chapter 9

"You a natural blonde, Harley?" asked Pamela, as she perused the hair dye at the salon. "Ever thought of changing it?"

"Uh…no," stammered Harley. "That is…I am a natural blonde, and no, I've never thought of changing it."

"You shouldn't be afraid of experimenting with your hair," said Selina. "I used to be a blonde too, y'know."

"I'm not _afraid _of experimenting – I just don't want to," replied Harley.

Selina sighed. "Ok. I'll guess she'll just have the simple cut and blow-dry, and maybe style it some," she said, turning to the hairdresser.

"Do you like pigtails? I think you'd suit pigtails," said Alice.

"Yes, but curl the ends," said Pamela. "So you don't look twelve."

"Yeah, I guess that'd look…nice," said Harley, nodding at the stylist.

The next few hours were a form of torture for Harley. The "simple cut and blow-dry" took an hour and a half, and while she had to admit that the pigtails looked nice, they kind of gave her a headache. Nevertheless, she had to endure getting her nails done too (Harley had insisted on a nice, traditional color, like red), and what felt like about a pound of makeup being applied to her face, and finally, dress shopping.

"You'll need a red dress to match your nails, maybe with a nice black border," said Alice, hunting through the racks in the store.

"Uh…gee, these things are…kinda pricey, huh?" asked Harley, staring at the tags.

"It's called a credit card, darling," said Selina, pulling hers out. "It buys you anything you want, and it's all on your parents!"

"Oh. I don't…uh…have one of those," said Harley, slowly.

"No sweat, Harley," said Pamela. "Since you're helping my boyfriend out so much, I think it's only fair that I buy you something nice in return. So don't worry about the price tag. C'mon, let's go try some on."

"But I don't even know where I'd ever wear something like this," protested Harley.

"Uh, duh! Prom!" retorted Pamela, rolling her eyes.

"But I ain't…gonna go to prom," said Harley.

They all stared at her in astonishment. "But you have to!" exclaimed Selina. "You just have to! It's only the most important event of the whole school year!"

"Maybe for you, but…I just don't feel like going," said Harley. "And anyway, I'm sure nobody would ask me to…"

"Harley, you gotta go to prom," interrupted Pamela, firmly. "And you gotta have a nice dress when you do, so just try one on!"

"How about this?" asked Alice, holding up a long, red dress with a few black diamond shapes sewn into the skirt.

"Good enough – c'mon, Harley," said Pamela, pulling her into the changing rooms.

Harley felt very uncomfortable in the dress – she didn't normally wear them. But the other three were so insistent about telling her how darling it looked, and pressuring her to buy it, that she found herself reluctantly agreeing. She regretted her weakness in the face of peer pressure as they walked out of the shop, Harley carrying a bag containing a dress she knew she was never going to wear. She felt bad for wasting the money, even if it wasn't hers…

"Well, look who's here!" exclaimed Selina, pointing over at the fountain. Harley looked up to see the Joker fishing around for coins at the bottom of the fountain, and occasionally splashing passersby.

"Shouldn't you be working on your campaign, Mr. Politician?" asked Pamela, sarcastically.

He turned, grinning at her. "It's all taken care of, Pammie, trust me…" he began, but trailed off when he saw Harley, newly made up. "W…wow," he stammered. "You look great!"

"Oh…thanks," said Harley, surprised and pleased by the compliment.

Selina shoved her forward, whispering, "Now's your chance!"

"We're just gonna get dinner at the food court – join us when you're ready, Harley," she said loudly, heading off, with Pamela following her. Alice gave Harley a thumbs up, and raced after them.

"What's all that about?" asked Joker.

"Uh…I dunno," said Harley, awkwardly. She shuffled her feet. "Can I…uh…sit down?"

"Free country," he said, returning his attention to the coins at the bottom of the fountain.

She nodded, taking a seat next to him. "So what's the occasion?" he asked. "The makeover, I mean."

"Oh, the uh…girls just thought I'd enjoy it," replied Harley.

"And did you?" he asked.

"Not really," she admitted.

He nodded. "You could afford a makeover and shopping trip with them, but not prom with me, huh?" he asked, lightly.

"Oh…no, no, it's not like that at all," said Harley, hastily. "Pamela paid for it all on her credit card – I didn't want her to, but she insisted."

"Yeah, she's the type of gal who don't take no for an answer, or so I hear!" chuckled Joker. He picked up a penny. "Wanna make a wish?" he asked, handing it to her.

"Uh…sure," said Harley. She shut her eyes, desperately trying to think of something to wish for. She thought of the scholarship, wished she'd win it, and threw the coin into the fountain.

"What did you wish for?" asked Joker.

"I can't tell you, or it won't come true," replied Harley.

"Right. I forgot there were rules to wishes," said Joker, sarcastically. "Makes a lotta sense."

He picked up another coin, shut his eyes for a moment, and flicked his in. Harley cleared her throat. "Are you…uh…gonna go to the school play this weekend?"

"Is it a comedy?" he asked.

"It's _Hamlet_," she replied.

"And is that a comedy?" he repeated.

"No…everyone dies at the end," said Harley, slowly.

"Sounds like a comedy to me!" he chuckled. "But thanks for spoiling the ending, toots! Now I don't even know why I should see the stupid play!"

"Because I kinda want you…to come with me," Harley blurted out.

He stared at her. She drew a deep breath and continued. "Look…uh…just because I ain't going to prom with you doesn't mean that we can't…hang out."

"Hang out?" he repeated.

"Do stuff together, y'know…"

"You mean like a date?" he asked.

"Yeah…kinda," she agreed.

"You're asking me if I wanna go on a date to the school play with you," he repeated, thoughtfully.

"Y…yeah," stammered Harley. "Uh…do you?"

He grinned. "This wouldn't all be because I'm suddenly Mr. Popular, running for class president and all!" he chuckled. "You ain't like the queen bitches, who just wanna hang out with a guy 'cause he's important, are ya?"

"N…no," said Harley. "No, I'm not like them at all. I…really wanna hang out with you, just for…you. You're a funny guy. You make me laugh. I…like you."

He smiled. "Yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied, nodding.

He tilted her chin up. "I like you too, Harley," he murmured.

Harley felt her face turning bright red, and she felt that overwhelming urge to kiss him racing through her again. "So…you wanna come to the play with me?" she asked hastily. "There's a clown in it. I mean, he's not actually _in _it, he's dead, but they talk about him and all, while holding up his skull in this graveyard scene with this undertaker who's kinda funny, and…uh…"

She felt so nervous with him so close, and she babbled when she was nervous. He seemed to find this funny, because he laughed and released her chin suddenly. "Yeah, sounds like fun," he said. "I'll see you then, Harley."

He strode off, whistling to himself, leaving her shaking in nervousness by the fountain. Nervousness and…something else. She continued to blush bright red as she headed for the food court and found Selina, Pamela, and Alice.

"So, how'd it go?" asked Alice, excitedly.

"We're…going to the play this weekend," said Harley.

"Great job, Harley!" said Pamela. "Wear your hair like that, and that kinda makeup, and something halfway decent, and he'll be putty in your hands! And I know a smart girl like you can get exactly what she wants from him then, no problem!"

"Yeah," agreed Harley, trying to focus on dinner. But her thoughts kept flying completely against her will back to J. "Yeah, I'm sure I can."


	10. Chapter 10

"Where is Edward this evening?" asked Jervis Tetch, looking around the auditorium. "You think he'd be a Shakespeare fan."

"He said he had some important work to do," replied Crane, sitting down next to him. "Though what work can trump the words of the immortal Bard, I haven't the foggiest."

"Is Harley coming?" asked Tetch.

"I didn't get a chance to speak to her today, but I'm sure she will," said Crane. "An intelligent woman like that wouldn't pass up a performance of _Hamlet_."

"You should have asked her to go with you," said Tetch. "I wouldn't have been offended if you wanted to take her here on a date."

"My dear Jervis, this isn't a _Midsummer Night's Dream_ or some sort of frivolous musical!" retorted Crane. "This is _Hamlet_! Shakespeare's greatest tragedy! It's full of violence, murder, and madness! It simply isn't the thing you take a nice girl to on a first date!"

"Apparently the Joker doesn't agree with you," murmured Tetch, looking past him at the door.

"What?" demanded Crane, turning around. He jaw dropped in astonishment and fury as he saw Harley enter the auditorium with the Joker following close behind.

"So…they're here together," snapped Crane, as Joker and Harley took their seats a few rows in front of them. "That doesn't mean they're on a date! You and I are here together, and we're not on a date!"

"True," said Tetch, nodding. "But contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't."

"Yes, quite right," agreed Crane, folding his arms across his chest.

The play began. As Arkham's finest actor, Basil Karlo, took to the stage declaiming Hamlet's most famous soliloquy, Crane was distracted from the contemplation of conscience making cowards of us all by seeing the Joker yawn loudly, stretch, and then drape his arm around Harley's shoulders. To Crane's fury, Harley made no attempt to remove it.

"If I did that to you, would we be on a date then?" murmured Tetch, leaning over.

"Shut up," growled Crane.

The Joker didn't wait until Karlo's five curtain calls were over at the end of the show – he took Harley's hand and hurried from the auditorium the moment the curtain came down. "Geez, that guy really puts the ham in Hamlet, don't he?" he asked once they were outside.

"Basil? I thought he was kinda good," said Harley. "Didn't you enjoy the show?"

Joker shrugged. "I ain't the kinda guy who enjoys nonsense, toots – that's more Tetchy's thing."

"It…wasn't nonsense," said Harley, slowly.

"Are you kidding? They were speaking in gibberish the whole show!" exclaimed Joker. "I would've fallen asleep, or stood up and interrupted him, but I didn't wanna embarrass the pretty girl sitting next to me," he added, smiling at her.

Harley smiled back, feeling guilt gnawing away at her. It was wrong of her to be doing this to use him, but she didn't feel like she had a choice. If she wanted that scholarship, she had to go through with this.

She took his hand. "So…you wanna go for a walk?" she asked, gently. "It's a nice night."

"Yeah, I need to stretch my legs after sitting still for hours," agreed Joker. They headed for the school grounds, hand in hand, in silence.

Harley was consumed by guilt, but she cleared her throat and said, "So…how's the campaigning going?"

"Oh, really well, toots!" he chuckled. "I hope you got a prom dress picked out, because that election is as good as mine!"

"Really? You sound so confident," said Harley. "You got some kinda secret weapon?"

He tapped his nose. "I do, sweetheart. I do."

"Sounds…kinda exciting," she stammered. "You wanna tell me what it is?"

"Don't wanna ruin the surprise, toots," he chuckled. "And I can't spill the beans anyway, not yet. I'll tell you all about it at prom, when you'll be on the arm of the class president of Arkham High. Bet you never thought anything like that'd happen to you when you transferred here, huh?"

"No," agreed Harley. "Actually, my experience in coming here has been a big surprise. It wasn't what I was expecting at all. But in a nice way. And I never thought I'd say that about high school."

"Yeah, I used to think this place was a total dump," agreed Joker. "But something's changed recently to make it a lot nicer. If I knew you were gonna be here another year, I wouldn't mind not graduating, you know."

Harley felt her insides being twisted, feeling genuinely touched and guilty at the same time. "J, I don't wanna wait for prom," she said, stopping and taking his other hand. "Can't you tell me about this secret weapon of yours now?"

"Why?" he asked, puzzled.

"I just…I wanna know," she stammered. "I mean, if it's gonna result in me going to prom with you, I wanna know that you won this victory fair and square. I'd hate to go to prom with a guy who won an election under false pretenses."

"Hey, that wasn't part of the deal, toots!" he snapped. "We shook on me winning the election, not winning it fair and square! You can't change the terms of the deal now – it's already been made!"

"So it is something underhanded," murmured Harley. "Tell me, J, please. I wanna know."

He sighed heavily. "I'm gonna…rig the election," he muttered.

"How?" she asked.

"I'm gonna get Eddie Nygma to do it," retorted Joker. "The guy's got experience in cheating at stuff – that's how he gets those amazing grades."

"Eddie's a cheater?" gasped Harley. He nodded. "And…so are you," she stammered.

"Yeah," he admitted, nodding. "But you can't blame me, toots. I can fight fair and lose, or I can cheat and take the girl holding my hand to the prom. It ain't a difficult decision. I mean, just look at you," he said, sliding his arms around her waist and pulling her close. "You can't blame a guy for cheating for you. You can't blame a guy for rigging an election for you. You can't blame a guy for doing a lotta dirty, crooked things for you, because you just drive him absolutely crazy."

Harley gazed up into his eyes, breathing heavily at the nearness of his body. All thought of right and wrong had vanished as his mouth drew close to hers, and she shut her eyes, tilting her lips up for his kiss.

And for a moment after their lips met, Harley could think of nothing else but how wonderful this felt, how much she wanted to throw her arms around his neck and pull him close. And to her surprise, she did. His arms tightened around her waist as his mouth pressed deeper into hers, and all thought was lost in the warm, sweet intoxication of his kiss.

And then the thoughts came rushing back in a tidal wave that overwhelmed everything else. Harley broke away with a cry. "N…no!" she stammered. "No, I'm so sorry, this is wrong!"

He stared at her, stunned. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Me?"

She shook her head. "No. No, me. I'm so sorry, J!"

"Sorry for what?" he asked.

"I'm…playing you for a fool," she gasped. "This date, it was all set up by Harvey Dent – he wants to know what you're planning and he used me as bait! I wouldn't have gone along with it, only he promised me a full scholarship to college and you know how much that means to me! But I can't…I can't use you like this! It's all wrong!"

She burst into tears, burying her face in her hands. He continued to stare at her, and then reached into his pocket for a tissue.

"No!" she cried, shoving his hand away. "Don't you understand?! I'm a fraud! I set you up! I was just using you to get information outta you! Oh God, I'm a horrible, horrible person! To build up your hopes, to play with you like that…I should never have done it! I'm so sorry! I have to go!" she cried, turning to run away.

He caught her arm. "You mean what you said was a lie?" he asked, quietly. "You don't think I'm funny? I don't make you laugh?"

"Yes, of course you do," she whispered.

He cupped her face in his hands. "You do like me?" he murmured.

"Yes…yes, I do," she whispered. "But don't you understand what I'm saying? I was using you! I would never have done any of this if not for Harvey Dent."

He nodded slowly. "Well. Thank God for Harvey Dent, then," he murmured, grinning.

"What?" she asked.

"I never would have gotten to go on a date with you if he hadn't set this up," he said. "I never would have kissed you without Harvey's interference, and you can't expect me to regret that, even if I got that kiss under false pretenses. A dame who can pull off an act like that is a dame after my own heart. I don't regret anything about tonight, and I certainly don't regret kissing you. In fact, I'm gonna do it again," he whispered, enveloping her mouth.

"Oh…J!" she gasped, trying to escape his lips. "J, please, you can stop pretending! I ain't gonna tell him anything you've said!"

"I don't care what you do as long as you keep that pretty mouth of yours pressed onto mine," he whispered, cutting her off with another kiss.

Harley moaned happily, returning the kiss and pressing him tightly against her.

"Mmm, I'm almost tempted to let Harvey win for this," murmured Joker, drawing his mouth away at last and grinning. "But I'm not gonna."

"I'm sorry, J…" she whispered.

"Stop apologizing and tell me when I can see you again," he said. "At school, obviously, but when can I take you someplace nice? Tell me I don't have to wait for prom."

Harley grinned. "Well, I…might be free tomorrow night."

"What a coincidence. So am I," he murmured.

They kissed again. "Now let me take you home," he said, taking her hand and heading for his car. "And maybe you can explain this play to me on the ride back. Was that Hamlet guy really crazy or was he only pretending?"

"I think the jury's still out on that one," replied Harley. "He claims there's a method to his madness, though."

"Don't we all, sweetheart!" laughed Joker. "Don't we all!"


	11. Chapter 11

"How do you think Harley's date went?" asked Selina on Monday morning.

"I'm trying not to think about it," retorted Pamela, checking her makeup in her pocket mirror. "As long as she gets what Harvey wants, that's what matters. And better her than me."

Harley entered the school at that moment, beaming. She felt like she hadn't stopped smiling since Saturday night. "Harley, how did it go?" asked Selina, rushing over to her.

"Oh…uh…pretty great, Selina," replied Harley, giggling.

"You got him to tell you what he's planning?" asked Pamela, eagerly.

"Um…no, not exactly," she replied. "I'm still…uh…working on that."

She jumped as a pair of hands came over her eyes. "Guess who, beautiful?" whispered a voice in her ear, as a familiar pair of lips nuzzled her neck.

"Oh…J!" she gasped, beaming as he removed his hands. "Good morn…"

She was cut off by his passionate kiss, which she eagerly returned. "Good morning to you too, gorgeous," he breathed. Harley squeaked happily, returning to his mouth as Pamela and Selina stared at them in astonishment and horror.

The bell rang, and Harley reluctantly broke away from him. "I gotta…go to class," she gasped. "Uh…see you at lunch?"

"Try and keep me away," he murmured, kissing her again. He waved at her as she headed off down the hall.

"So did you actually swap any information, or just saliva?" asked Selina, dryly.

"Yeah, that's a pretty extreme way to earn his trust," agreed Pamela.

"Actually, I…really like him," said Harley, blushing.

"I hope you don't like him too much," snapped Pamela. "You're still going to help Harvey win the election, aren't you? I don't think I need to remind you of the reward you're going to get."

"Yeah, date him if you want – just don't let him win class president," agreed Selina. "You _are_ on our side with this, aren't you, Harley?"

"Or is Harvey gonna have to put in a negative word with the scholarship committee?" asked Pamela.

Harley stopped in her tracks, staring at her. "He wouldn't do that, would he?" she asked. "He wouldn't mess up my future like that just because I didn't wanna betray the trust of my…boyfriend?"

It was the first time she had said the word, and she blushed even deeper. It was so nice to say it.

"I don't think you understand how important this class president thing is to _my _boyfriend," hissed Pamela. "He has to win it. He'll go crazy if he doesn't. Probably literally."

"So find out what he wants to know," snapped Selina. "Or it's no college for you."

They headed into the classroom, leaving her alone in the hall.

At lunch, Harley grabbed her tray and headed over to sit at the nerd table, as usual. "Harley, did you enjoy the play?" asked Crane.

"Play? Oh, right…yeah, it was really good, Johnny," said Harley, clearly distracted.

"We saw you there with the Joker," said Tetch. "I didn't think he was a Shakespeare fan."

"Er…no, he…uh…well, actually, he and I are…together. Dating. Y'know," stammered Harley, blushing but unable to conceal a smile. "He's my…boyfriend."

Crane stared at her, a mixture of heartbroken and horrified. His horror grew as the Joker suddenly appeared, sliding his arms around Harley's waist and murmuring, "There's my knockout girlfriend! What d'ya think, nerds? Ain't she just the cutest little number in the whole entire school? Missed you, baby," he said, kissing her.

"Mmm, I missed you too, J," she whispered. "And I gotta talk to you about something serious…"

"You know I ain't serious kinda guy, baby," he murmured, continuing to kiss her.

"J, please, it's important," she murmured.

"More important than making out with me?" he asked, surprised. "That _is _serious. What's up, sweetheart?"

"It turns out that me not helping Harvey out is gonna ruin my chances of getting a scholarship," said Harley. "He's gonna influence the committee against me unless I do what he wants and tell him how you're gonna win the election."

Joker shrugged. "Well, that ain't so serious. Just lie to him."

"Yeah, but then if he _doesn't_ win, he can still get revenge by denying me this scholarship," said Harley.

He nodded. "So, what, you want me to bow out of this election so you can have your scholarship?"

"I couldn't ask you to do that!" said Harley, horrified. "You seem to really wanna win class president…"

"Oh yeah, it'd be a great joke," agreed Joker. "But at the cost of your future? C'mon, kid, I ain't that selfish. I would never put a stupid joke in front of you."

Harley gazed at him in astonishment, and then threw her arms around his neck, kissing him passionately. "Oh, J!" she gasped. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!"

"Well, I ain't done it yet!" he chuckled. "But I'm gonna, right now. Hey, Eddie!" he called.

Edward Nygma had been sitting at a table by himself, surrounded by thick books, and reading one about Richard Daley's mayoral election in Chicago. "Yes?" he asked.

"C'mon, I wanna talk to Principal Leland about the election," said Joker, standing up. "And as you're my official…uh…'campaign adviser,' you need to be there or it'll look suspicious."

Nygma nodded, following Joker and Harley out of the cafeteria and into the principal's office.

"J!" said Principal Leland, shocked. "This is a surprise. You don't normally come to see me of your own free will."

"Yeah, well, I got something kinda important to discuss with you," said Joker, nodding. "It's about my campaign to be class president."

"Oh yes, that joke," said Principal Leland. "What about it?"

"Well, I wanna put a stop to it," said Joker, firmly. "Joke ain't funny anymore, so I came to speak to you about withdrawing my nomination."

Principal Leland stared at him. "Is _this _a joke?" she asked.

"No," he said. "I wasn't thinking straight when I decided to run – after all, I already got enough work to do trying to bring my grades up. The last thing I need to be worrying about is some stupid election campaign. My girlfriend here made me see that," he said, nodding at Harley. "So I'm taking her advice, and dropping outta the running. Harvey deserves that presidency anyway – he works so hard for it. It wouldn't be fair for me to win it, especially the way I planned on winning it."

"How…did you plan on winning it?" asked Principal Leland, slowly.

"Well, I was gonna use Eddie here to cheat for me," said Joker, nodding at him. "I thought a smart guy like him would have no problem rigging an election. Especially since he's cheated on all those tests already."

"What…" began Nygma, but Joker pulled out the answer sheet, handing it to Principal Leland.

"He steals these before he takes the tests," he explained. "Pretty simple, but effective. That's how he's been getting his amazing grades."

"Edward…is this true?" gasped Principal Leland, stunned.

"It is true," said Joker, nodding. "There's proof in his locker. There are a whole buncha answer sheets there at the moment – I haven't picked them up yet. See, I was gonna cheat on the tests too, but my girlfriend here has made me realize that ain't the way to go about doing anything."

"You idiot!" shrieked Nygma, furiously. "How could you do this to me?! And the joke's on you, you illiterate moron, since without those answer sheets, you're never going to graduate!"

"Yes, he is," said Harley, slowly, taking Joker's hand and beaming at him. "I'm gonna help him study. It may take a lotta work, but we're gonna bring his grades up, and he's gonna graduate with me."

Joker smiled at her, squeezing her hand. "Edward, I hope you realize that this very serious accusation, if proven, is going to put you out of the running for valedictorian, not to mention putting your own graduation in jeopardy," said Principal Leland, quietly. "As for you withdrawing your nomination, J, while I admire the sentiment, I'm afraid it's not allowed. The rules for student body elections clearly state that once a candidate has announced his intention of running, he can't pull out on a whim. You're going to have to go through with it. I mean, you're welcome to throw the election – make a joke of it, offend people, and not take it seriously, so that everyone will vote for Harvey. But you've said you'd run, and you have to see that through to the end."

"That's a stupid rule!" snapped Joker. "And that's not how real elections work anyway!"

"This is high school, not the real world," retorted Principal Leland. "We're supposed to be teaching you life lessons. And one of those is to finish what you've started. You've made a commitment to run, so just run. And lose."

Joker nodded slowly. "Yeah. I guess it won't be a lotta extra work if I ain't even trying to win. And I don't need Eddie's help to lose!" he chuckled. "All right, Leland, you got it! One thrown election coming up – piece of cake!" he laughed, as he and Harley left her office. "I just hope you ain't gonna be too disappointed, Harl, not going to prom with the class president and all."

"Don't worry, J," said Harley, kissing his cheek. "You'll always be Mr. President to me. In fact, I'm gonna call you Mr. J."

"Mr. J, eh?" he chuckled. "I like it. I really do."


	12. Chapter 12

"Go get us some good seats, sweetheart – I'll see you real soon," said the Joker, kissing Harley tenderly as he left her by the football field. It was Saturday afternoon, and the Arkham Bats were playing a home game against their biggest rival, the Metropolis Steelers. The entire school had turned out for the event – literally the entire school, thought Harley with some surprise, as she saw Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch sitting in the bleachers. She waved and headed over to them.

"I'm surprised to see you two here," she said. "I didn't think you were sports fans."

"We're not," snapped Crane, who had his arms folded firmly across his chest. "In fact, I have utterly no idea how this game is played. I'm only here because Jervis dragged me along."

"You didn't have to come," retorted Tetch. "I just thought it would be better than you sitting at home depressed."

"Why are you depressed?" asked Harley.

"Never mind," he snapped.

"No, c'mon, tell me," she pressed. "Is it because of Eddie's cheating?"

"Oh, good Lord, no, that's actually terribly good news," replied Crane. "It means there's only two of us in the running for valedictorian now. No, I'm depressed for an entirely different reason. A personal one. And that's all I'd like to say on the subject."

Tetch cleared his throat. "Where is your paramour this afternoon, Harley?"

"I dunno," confessed Harley. "He drove me here, but he told me to go on ahead and take a seat. Said he had a surprise to set up. I'm sure he'll be here soon."

"Great," muttered Crane, sarcastically.

"Why did you wanna come to the game, Jervis?" asked Harley. "I didn't know they played this kinda football in England."

"They don't," he replied. "I'm not here to watch the game, obviously."

"Then why…" began Harley, but the cheerleaders raced onto the field at that moment, beginning their routine. "Oh," she finished.

"It's worth sitting through hours of boredom to catch even the slightest glimpse of her," sighed Tetch, gazing dreamily at Alice.

"Jervis, really, this is becoming a bit of an unhealthy obsession," said Crane.

"Don't talk to me – you're no better," snapped Tetch.

"Do you like someone who doesn't like you back too, Johnny?" asked Harley.

He stared at her. "Um…no," he said, slowly.

"He does," said Tetch, nodding. "Ow!" he shouted, as Crane elbowed him in the ribs.

"Is she a cheerleader too?" asked Harley, watching their performance. "It's not Selina or Pamela, is it? You can do a lot better than those two, y'know, Johnny, a sweet guy like you. You deserve a nice, sweet girl."

"Yeah, maybe you can coax a desperate, lonely gal into a pity date one day," agreed Joker, appearing suddenly. He bent down to kiss Harley. "Hiya, sweetcheeks! Missed you."

"I missed you too, Mr. J," murmured Harley, beaming and returning his kiss.

"Some of us are trying to watch the cheerleaders," snapped Crane.

"Yeah, and some of us with girlfriends are trying to make out," retorted Joker. "You do that – we'll do this."

Crane ground his teeth together and tried to focus his attention on the field, rather than the disgusting sight next to him. He couldn't resist an occasional murderous glare at the pair of them though.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for your Arkham Bats!" said an announcer, holding a megaphone to his lips. "This is Jack Ryder, reporting live this game day, and what a match it's shaping up to be! The Arkham Bats are introducing their formidable new quarterback, Bane, and team captain Bruce Wayne, known as the Batman, will be facing off against the Metropolis Steelers' captain in one of the longest and fiercest rivalries in high school football, or anywhere else - the Man of Steel himself, Clark Kent!"

"People call him Superman," said Joker, breaking away from Harley briefly and turning his attention to the field. "Because he's apparently good at everything."

"Sounds kinda boring," replied Harley, grinning. "I like a guy who's a little bad now and then."

He chuckled, locking lips with her again. "Mmm…Mr. J, no! Not in public!" she giggled as he tried to slide his hand into her shirt. "Oh, Mr. J! You're such a bad boy!"

"I daresay _I _could be a bad boy, Jervis," muttered Crane. "If that's the type of men girls like."

"No, you couldn't," retorted Tetch, bluntly.

"I could! I could…frighten people to death," invented Crane. "Maybe with some sort of…fear toxin."

"Yes, and I could perpetrate Wonderland-related crimes whilst reciting Carroll verse and wearing a top hat," retorted Tetch, sarcastically. "Honestly, Jonathan, find a real ambition!"

As the game progressed, the Arkham fans gradually got more and more irritated, since almost every offensive play from their team managed to be blocked by the Steelers' captain. "Pass from Waylon Jones, intercepted once again by Clark Kent!" said Jack Ryder, over the loud booing and jeering from the stands. "The man really is faster than a speeding bullet! Bruce Wayne is not happy – I'm almost afraid there's gonna be some kinda fight between the two…"

"All right, Batman vs. Superman!" exclaimed Joker. Then he shrugged. "It's been done."

"What…" began Harley, but Joker suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth, checking his watch.

"Hold that thought, sweetheart – things are just about to get good!" he chuckled.

An explosion at the end of the field brought the game to a sudden stop. The bomb, which had apparently been attached to the legs of the scoreboard, caused the sign to teeter and finally crash onto the field, as shouting and panicked football players leapt out of the way. Written on the back of the sign were the words _Vote Joker! _with a big smiley face underneath them.

"Talk about a publicity stunt, right, guys?" chuckled Joker, standing up and waving. "And now that I've got your attention, vote Joker! Thank you!"

"You maniac!" shouted Clark Kent, furiously. "You almost got us killed!"

"Screw you, Kent!" retorted Joker. "You may be big fish in Metropolis, but nobody respects you here! Why doncha go back to Kansas, Smallville?"

Clark marched furiously over to the stands, picking up Joker by the collar. "Nobody but my girlfriend calls me Smallville!" he growled.

"That so?" chuckled Joker. "Well, it's nice she can joke about the size of your manhood, ain't it?"

Clark raised a fist to punch him, but was intercepted by Bruce Wayne. "Hey, _I _beat up J, all right?" growled Bruce. "He's my problem! You think you can just waltz in here and take over my job?!"

"I think if you can't even control your school bullies, somebody needs to, before innocent people get hurt!" shouted Clark.

"I do a better job controlling everyone in this school than you could ever dream of doing!" shouted Bruce. "So just get outta my face, Kent!"

"Why doncha back off, Wayne, before I beat you so hard, your Mommy won't recognize you?" retorted Clark.

Bruce struck him a colossal punch to the face. "My Mother is dead!" he roared. "And you're gonna pay for talking about her!"

The fight quickly spread from the two captains to the rest of the school, until the entire field seemed to be rioting. "I think we need to make a break for it, toots," said Joker, grabbing Harley's hand and pulling her out of harm's way.

"Come on, Jervis!" exclaimed Crane, trying to pull his friend away while ducking punches from strangers.

"I can't go until I make sure she's safe!" gasped Tetch, looking around frantically for Alice. He spotted her at last – Selina and Pamela were in a catfight with some of the Metropolis cheerleaders, and Alice was trying to separate them.

Tetch raced over to her through the chaos, avoiding stray blows. As he reached Alice, one of the Metropolis football players tackled her, shoving her into the dirt and holding her head down in the mud. Tetch raised his fist and struck the man a harsh blow between the eyes. "That's no way to treat a lady!" he shouted, as the football player reeled back.

"Why you little…" began the football player, recovering himself and racing at Tetch. He lunged at him, and Tetch ducked out of the way just in time, causing the football player to land in the mud himself.

Tetch broke off a piece of wood from the collapsed sign, and then struck the football player sharply with it several times. "One, two! One, two! And through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack!" he cried. He removed the man's helmet, and struck him a final blow which knocked him unconscious.

"He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back," finished Tetch, dropping the helmet into the mud beside him and turning to Alice.

She was gazing at him astonishment. "Oh…Jervis…that was so brave!" she gasped.

"It was nothing, my dear," he replied. "A gentleman has a duty to defend a lady's honor."

"Oh…Jervis!" she stammered. She suddenly seized his face in her hands and kissed him passionately.

"Thank you," she whispered, drawing away at last and beaming at him.

He gaped at her, stunned. "O…frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" he gasped.

"Jervis! Come on!" shouted Crane, appearing suddenly and grabbing his arm. "Let's leave this madness!"

Tetch turned to him, smiling. "Leave this madness? My dear Jonathan, I never want to be anywhere else but this madness ever again! I have never felt happier in my life…"

He ducked another sudden punch from a football player. "But yes, let's be off before one of us gets killed," he finished hastily, grabbing Alice's hand and hurrying away, with Crane at his heels.


	13. Chapter 13

"When I suggested throwing the election, J, I didn't mean that you should go out endangering students' lives and damaging school property!" snapped Principal Leland, as the Joker stood in her office on Monday morning.

Joker shrugged. "Can't say it didn't annoy a buncha people!" he chuckled. "At least they know who not to vote for!"

"Do you have any idea of the amount of damage you've caused?" demanded Principal Leland. "I'm not just talking about the cost of the sign or cleaning up the field – I'm talking about hospital bills, lawsuits from angry parents, and threats to this school and me personally from random citizens in both Gotham and Metropolis!"

"Why? You're not responsible for any of this," said Joker, puzzled.

"The incident occurred on school grounds," retorted Principal Leland. "Therefore the school is responsible. And I'm being held to account by every department head above me – I've got meetings all this week where I have to apologize profusely to parents and school officials, and don't even get me started on the press conferences!"

"Gee, I didn't know my little joke would get you in so much trouble," said Joker, slowly. "Is there anything I can do?"

Principal Leland looked at him. "I should expel you," she murmured. "That's what they're going to want me to do, to appease the parents. Remove the dangerous student from the school permanently. And I'm beyond tempted to do that."

"But…but you can't!" stammered Joker. "I gotta graduate…"

"And I'm sure you'll be able to, at another school," replied Principal Leland, nodding.

"But…my girlfriend is here!" exclaimed Joker.

"You could still see her after school, in your free time…"

"No, you don't understand!" he snapped. "I gotta take her to prom! I promised! And I can't take her to prom if I gotta go to another school! Ya gotta help me out, Leland!"

"Why?" she snapped. "What have you ever done for me except give me a colossal headache? Maybe it'll teach you a valuable life lesson about treating others the way you'd like to be treated. Because if I treated you as you've treated me, I would expel you right now without a second thought."

He gazed at her pleadingly, and she gazed back. "But I'm not going to," she murmured, softly. "And in return for me getting your back on this, you're going to do exactly what I say from now until the end of the school year."

"Sure thing, Leland, you got it!" said Joker, desperately. "Anything!"

She leaned forward. "Then you promise me right now that there will no more of your jokes, gags, or pranks from now on," she murmured. "Because if there is one more even minor offense, you're out of here. Do you understand me?"

Joker nodded vigorously. "That's one condition of your stay," muttered Principal Leland. "The others are bringing your grades up…"

"Already working on that, Leland, don't you worry," said Joker.

"And sharing hall monitor duties with Bruce Wayne," she finished.

"What?!" cried Joker.

"I want to see that you've learned to be responsible, not just for yourself, but for others as well," said Principal Leland, lightly. "Bruce takes his role very seriously, and I want you to take yours seriously too. It'll prove to me that you can commit yourself to a steady occupation…"

"But policing everyone like that, and ruining their fun…that ain't me, Leland!" cried Joker. "I'm the opposite of that! I believe in freedom and chaos and rule-breaking…"

"Then you're going to have to change your beliefs, aren't you?" interrupted Principal Leland. "Or else find a different school. The choice is yours, J."

Joker ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. "You drive a hard bargain, Leland," he muttered. "And Bruce ain't gonna be thrilled about this – he hates my guts!"

"I know. And proving that you two can work together will prove to me how mature you've both become," said Principal Leland, lightly. "So that when you graduate, I can have the firm belief that I've sent you out into the world equipped with the skills to deal with any situation, and all types of people. That's my job. Yours is to do what I say, or to permanently clear out your locker. What'll it be?"

Joker nodded slowly. "All right. I'll join Bruce's little fun-busting patrol."

"Good. And consider this your only warning. One more slip-up, and you're gone, J," she murmured. "About time you made good, don't you think?"

"How did it go?" asked Harley, who was waiting outside the principal's office as Joker emerged from it. "You ain't smiling – what's wrong?"

He didn't respond. Bruce Wayne hobbled into the room at that moment, looking a lot worse for wear from his fight with Clark Kent. "Go on in," said Joker, nodding at the door. "There's something she wants to say to you."

Bruce entered the principal's office, shutting the door behind him. "Mr. J, what's wrong?" asked Harley, concerned. "What is it? They ain't gonna expel ya, are they?"

He shook his head. "Something much worse than that, toots," he muttered.

"WHAT?!" roared Bruce Wayne's voice from inside the office suddenly. "I CAN'T WORK WITH THAT LUNATIC!"

"Bruce…"

"Skip it!" he shouted, storming out of the office. "There is no way in hell that I am sharing my duties with that moron!"

"All right, then you'll be losing your duties," snapped Principal Leland. "And J will be the sole hall monitor responsible for all of Arkham."

Bruce stared at her, aghast. "You can't be serious!" he hissed. "After all I've done to keep this school in line, and you wanna take away my privileges and give them to this nutcase?! He's part of the problem!"

"And now he's part of the solution," retorted Principal Leland. "He can be part of the solution with you, or on his own. It's your choice, Bruce."

"She's been dealing out a lotta tough choices today," muttered Joker, kicking at a chair. He sighed. "You don't like it, Brucie, and God knows I don't like it, but do you think maybe we can put aside our differences and work together? The Batman and the Joker – partners in law enforcement. What do you say?"

Bruce glared at him. "You are going to do everything I say, to the letter and without question!" he hissed. "I'm not putting up with any of your crap, do you understand?!"

"Yeah, yeah – I'm suddenly under everybody's thumb," grumbled Joker. "Encased in some kinda fun-restraining suit. This high school's worse than a prison, I tell ya!"

"Cheer up, Mr. J!" said Harley as they left the office. "I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think! You and Bruce might learn to get along – you'll probably come outta this whole thing being best friends!"

"Yeah, when pigs fly, sweetheart," he retorted.

"Well, I'm really proud of you," said Harley, kissing his cheek. "I can't wait for the whole school to see what a responsible, upstanding guy my boyfriend can be!"

"Responsible, upstanding," he repeated, making a face. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

He draped an arm over Harley's shoulder, sighing heavily. "Boy, I must really be nuts about you, kid," he muttered. "The things I do for you – I must be completely outta my mind."


	14. Chapter 14

"I think we should call ourselves the Dynamic Duo," said Joker, as he and Bruce patrolled the corridors. "It's just kinda catchy."

"Shut up," growled Bruce. "Or I'll hurt you."

"You ain't in any position to hurt anyone," retorted Joker. "That Kent kid gave you quite a beating. If anyone needs to be beat up, I'm gonna have to do it."

"Our job is not to beat up people," growled Bruce. "It's to prevent other people from beating each other up."

"And you did such a fantastic job of that at the football game," agreed Joker, nodding. "Oh wait, that's right – you started the riot by punching Kent in the face."

"No, _you _started the riot by sabotaging the game!" snapped Bruce.

"The chaos was already building because you were losing to Superman – any idiot could see that!" snapped Joker. "I just provided the catalyst needed to release that madness."

"I wasn't losing to Superman!" snapped Bruce. "And stop calling him Superman! Kent's no more of a superman than me!"

"Oooh, title envy, is it?" chuckled Joker. "I guess the name Batman doesn't have quite the same ring to it as Superman. I mean, you can imagine the ladies saying he's such a superman in the bedroom. But a batman in the bedroom? Doesn't really work – just implies some kinda weird fetish…"

Bruce grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the lockers. "One more word outta you, and you won't be able to smile for a long time, get me?" he hissed.

"Thought you said it wasn't our job to beat people up!" chuckled Joker.

"It's _my_ job to maintain order and control in this school at all times!" hissed Bruce.

"_Heil, _Batman!" exclaimed Joker, saluting him.

"That's right," growled Bruce. "And now you're gonna be taking orders from _der Führer_, like the good little follower you are."

He dropped him to the ground. "I ain't no Nazi," growled Joker, picking himself up and following him.

They rounded the corner to the sound of commotion. Billy Dodgson was shouting furiously at Jervis Tetch, who he had held a few feet off the ground.

"Listen and listen good!" he hissed. "Alice is _my _girlfriend! So you stay the hell away from her in future or I'll kick your ass right back to England, you got it?!"

"Billy, what are you doing?" demanded Alice, who had just arrived on the scene.

"Putting the little runt in his place!" shouted Billy, dropping Tetch to the ground.

"I didn't see you saving me during the riot!" snapped Alice. "You should be thanking him for protecting me while you were off starting fights with Metropolis thugs!"

"Thank him?!" repeated Billy, furiously. "For trying to take my place?!"

"You're such a jealous creep!" shrieked Alice. "He's not trying to take your place! He's trying to be a gentleman! And it's adorable!"

"Adorable, is he?" growled Billy.

"Yeah," retorted Alice, firmly, coming over to Tetch and dusting him off. "And you know what else, Billy?" she snapped, rounding on him. "I'm gonna go to prom with him!"

Billy stared at her. "W…what?" he stammered.

"I'm gonna go to prom with him," retorted Alice. "How do you like that, you self-centered jerk?!"

"Alice, you're…not serious!" gasped Billy.

She glared at him, and then bent down, taking Tetch's face in her hands and kissing him passionately. "That serious enough for you?" she demanded, turning to face him.

Rage seized Billy, and he started forward to beat Tetch again, but was restrained by Joker putting his arm out. "Now just calm down, Billy…" he began.

"Outta my way, clown!" shouted Billy, shoving him aside. He raised a fist to punch Tetch, but his arm was seized by Joker.

"I said cool it, sport," growled Joker.

"You stay outta this, or I'll beat you too!" hissed Billy.

"You fight J, and you have to fight me too," growled Bruce, coming over to stand next to him.

Billy gaped at him. "Bruce…what are you doing siding with that jerk? You and he have always been worst enemies!"

"Things change," retorted Bruce. "Now he's helping me keep order in Arkham. You go against him, you go against me. And if you go against me, you'll be dropped from the team. Is it really worth it, Billy?"

Billy stared from Joker to Bruce, and then slowly backed away from Tetch. "This isn't over, runt!" he growled at him. "You and Alice are going to prom over my dead body!"

"Be careful what you wish for, pally!" chuckled Joker. "Somebody might take you seriously one of these days!"

Billy stormed off. "Are you all right, Jervis?" asked Bruce.

"I…think I might be having some form of…hallucination," stammered Tetch. "Or possible mental breakdown…"

Alice giggled. "Aw, Jervis, you're so cute!" she said, kissing his cheek. "I gotta get to class, but I'll see you later, ok?"

Tetch stared after her. "Did she just…did I just…did she say we were going to prom together?" he stammered.

"Yep," agreed Joker. "Nice one, Tetchy! Ya got a cheerleader! You see, miracles can happen! Gimme a high five!" he said, holding up his hand.

"I don't know what that is," retorted Tetch. He stared down at his books, which had fallen to the floor when Billy had grabbed him. "Alice is going to prom with me?" he repeated, looking up at them.

"Yeah," replied Joker, nodding. "You ok?"

"Am I…ok?" stammered Tetch. "No, I'm…absolutely elated!" he cried suddenly, beaming. "That gorgeous, exquisite creature is going to prom with me! Me! It's nonsense! Wonderful, miraculous nonsense!"

"Come on, Jervis, we've got chemistry class in five minutes," said Jonathan Crane, appearing from down the hall. "What's keeping you? You're usually seated before me…"

"Oh, bother chemistry, Jonathan!" snapped Jervis. "Bother everything!" he said, kicking at the textbooks. "I'm going to prom with an angel on earth, and I couldn't give tuppence haypenny for anymore academic achievements! If you need me, I shall be seeking out a tailor to fashion me a new suit for the occasion. Excuse me," he said, disappearing down the corridor.

Crane stared after him. "What on earth is going on?" he demanded.

Joker shrugged. "Your best friend's got a hot girlfriend now, so he's gonna be ignoring you for the rest of the year. But cheer up! At least it means you get to be valedictorian! Y'see? Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window!" he chuckled, patting him on the back and heading off laughing down the hall.


	15. Chapter 15

"You nervous, Harvey?" asked Pamela, kissing her boyfriend as everyone piled into the auditorium.

Harvey laughed. "What have I got to be nervous about, Pammie?" he asked. "J's thrown the election! It's not even a competition! The last three campaign speeches we had, he just did impressions of various Looney Tunes characters."

"Well, it was better than his Star Wars impression," retorted Pamela. "I don't know why he thinks he can do Luke Skywalker. Doesn't sound a thing like him."

"Maybe he secretly wants to be a hero," said Harvey, shrugging. "But not this election he won't. He'll never be anything but a Joker."

Joker sat lazily in one of the chairs, legs up on the seat in front of him. "You know what they say, Harley girl – it ain't about winning or losing, it's how you play the game! And I gotta say, I made this game a whole lotta fun!"

"You make everything fun, puddin'," sighed Harley, cuddling him. "And even if you ain't gonna be class president, I'm still gonna be the happiest girl in school going to the prom with you!"

"You're really gonna run with puddin', huh?" he sighed.

"Doncha like it, puddin'?" she asked.

"Not really," he admitted. "It's kinda demeaning for a presidential candidate and hall monitor extraordinaire."

"But it's just perfect for you, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing his cheek.

"Students of Arkham High, it's now time to announce the results from the class president election," said Principal Leland.

"I've prepared a really gracious defeat speech," whispered Joker. "I wonder how many votes I'll get in the end?"

"At least one, puddin'," said Harley, taking his hand and smiling.

"The votes have been tallied, and the winner is…" said Principal Leland, opening an envelope. Her face fell in horror. "It's…uh…J," she stammered.

"What?!" roared Harvey, jumping to his feet. "There's no way in hell that's possible!"

"Yeah, no way in hell!" agreed Joker, leaping up to join him. "I did everything I could think of to lose this goddamn election, and now you're telling me I've won?!"

"Apparently so," said Principal Leland.

"It's gotta be a mistake!" shouted Harvey. "I demand a recount! Now!"

"Everyone just calm down!" snapped Principal Leland. "The last thing we need is another riot! We _will _be recounting the votes, and will announce the results this afternoon! Thank you!"

"What the hell have you done, J?!" growled Harvey, storming over to him. "How the hell did you rig this?!"

"I didn't!" protested Joker. "I don't want the stupid presidency!"

"You're lying!" yelled Harvey. "Tell me how you did it, or your girlfriend ain't getting into college!"

"Don't you dare threaten Harley in front of me!" shouted Joker.

"J, hall monitors don't fight," began Bruce Wayne, hurrying over. "And neither do class presidents!"

"I ain't class president!" shouted Joker. "But I tell ya what, if it turns out I am, I ain't bowing out in favor of you, Harvey! Nobody tries to blackmail my girlfriend!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," came a smug voice. Everyone turned to see Edward Nygma smiling at them. "What a ruckus over a little election victory," he sighed. "But then I suppose everyone likes an underdog story. And J is quite the underdog. Some might compare him to a female dog."

"Just stay outta this, Eddie – it has nothing to do with you!" growled Harvey.

"Oh, doesn't it?" said Nygma, grinning. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Politics is the realm of the boorish and the moronic, not the intellectually superior."

"Says the guy who got caught cheating!" snapped Harvey.

Nygma smiled. "Once," he agreed, nodding. "It's not going to happen again. Excuse me."

He strode off. "Why don't we all just calmly and quietly head back to our respective classes?" said Bruce. "I'm sure Principal Leland will have cleared all this up by lunchtime."

"Hey, don't be afraid of Harvey, sweets," muttered Joker as he and Harley left the auditorium. "He ain't got no power. That's why he's threatening you."

"He has influence with the scholarship board," murmured Harley. "I don't want his anger to ruin my chances of getting into college." She looked at him. "_Did _you rig the election?"

"No!" exclaimed Joker. "Harley, you gotta believe me! I said I'd throw it, and I made every effort to do that! This is nothing short of a miracle, and as crazy to you as it is to me, I promise!"

Harley nodded. "I believe you, Mr. J," she murmured. "I gotta go to class now. See you later."

She kissed him tenderly and left. Joker watched her go, and then stormed off in search of Edward Nygma.

"Oh no, you don't, nerd!" he hissed, grabbing him by the back of the collar as he was about to enter a classroom. "We're having ourselves a little talk!"

"What…what do you mean talk?" stammered Nygma, as Joker dragged him toward the toilets. "J…J, no, calm down, not the swirlies! I don't know anything about the election, I promise!"

"Sure, I believe you, Eddie," said Joker, dragging him into a stall and lifting up the toilet lid. "But y'know, when I have trouble remembering stuff, I find a nice, cold shower helps jolt my brain back into gear. Well, this ain't gonna be a shower, but I'm pretty sure it'll refresh your memory anyway," he said, shoving his head into the bowl and flushing.

"Why did you rig the election after I told you not to?" demanded Joker, pulling Nygma's head up at last.

"I didn't…"

"I wouldn't waste your breath if I was you, Eddie," interrupted Joker, shoving his head back down. "You're gonna need to hold it a really long time."

"All right, I'll talk!" cried Nygma at last, gasping for air. "I'll talk! I rigged it to get back at you! To stick you with this responsibility you didn't want, to ruin things for Harley, and thereby ruining things between the both of you, when she'd blame you for cheating! It was good, old-fashioned revenge, plain and simple. So I stole the ballot box and switched out the majority of votes for Harvey with votes for you. A recount won't spot it. It'll look like you won fair and square."

Joker laughed. "Y'know, I gotta say, that's pretty clever of you, Eddie," he chuckled. "But you forgot one very important thing in this great, big scheme of yours."

"W…what's that?" stammered Nygma.

Joker grinned. "You forgot how much pain I can give you," he muttered, grabbing him. "But I'm gonna refresh your memory there too, Eddie. And then we're gonna go have a little talk with Principal Leland. Assuming you can still use your mouth, of course. But hey, if I knock all your teeth out, you can always write it down, am I right? Y'see, Eddie?" he chuckled, shoving his head down the toilet again. "You gotta always look on the bright side of life!"


	16. Chapter 16

"This is an incredibly serious accusation, J," said Principal Leland sternly, her arms folded across her chest. "Are you sure?"

"I have it straight from the horse's mouth!" chuckled Joker, shoving Nygma forward. "Tell her what you told me, Eddie!"

Nygma winced. "I…I was told to rig the election so that J would win."

"Who told you to do that, Edward?" asked Principal Leland.

Nygma looked at Joker, and winced again. "H…Harvey Dent," he stammered.

Principal Leland stared at him in shock. "Why…would Harvey want J to win?" she demanded.

Nygma looked at Joker. "He…he was furious about J running against him, for challenging him. So he wanted revenge. And he thought the best way to do that was to let J win the election, which was obviously impossible. Everyone would know he cheated somehow, and he knew the powers that be would make him forfeit the title. So Harvey would still be class president anyway, but not before humiliating his rival. He…he also knew that it would drive a wedge between J and Harley since…since Harvey threatened to influence the scholarship committee against Harley if J won."

Principal Leland looked from Joker to Nygma. "If J was telling me this, I wouldn't believe him," she muttered. "But I don't think you'd lie to help out the man who gave away your cheating method."

"That's right, I wouldn't," said Nygma, hastily. "You have to believe me – it's the truth! Harvey pretends to be all nice and friendly, but he's a good politician, and that's what they do! They lie to make themselves look better! But you can't let him win! You have to give the class presidency to J, just like the votes said! And you have to make sure Harley's scholarship isn't affected by Harvey's vengeance!"

Principal Leland nodded slowly. "I'm going to have a little talk with Harvey," she murmured. "And we'll get this all sorted out. But there's no need to delay this announcement - I've recounted the votes, and I see no reason to argue with their validity. Which means, J, you're now class president of Arkham High."

Joker laughed hysterically. "Best joke ever, ain't it, Leland?" he chuckled. "But I promise I'll do a good job. Can I tell Harvey, or will you?"

"Just come with me to the cafeteria, both of you," muttered Principal Leland.

The chaos of the lunchroom instantly fell silent as Principal Leland entered, followed by Joker and Nygma. "I have recounted the votes," she said, calmly. "And I would like you all to join me in congratulating your new class president – J."

"That's not possible!" roared Harvey Dent.

"Harvey, I'd like to see you for a moment in my office, please," said Principal Leland, softly. "Congratulations, J. I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job."

Joker surveyed the stunned cafeteria, beaming. "All right, underlings – my first order as class president is that you all get down on your knees and chant 'Hail Joker' fifty times."

"J!" growled Principal Leland, warningly. "You're not allowed to do that. You don't have unlimited power, and you can't abuse the power you do have."

"Aw, but where's the fun in power without abusing it?" demanded Joker.

Principal Leland sighed. "We'll have a little talk about your responsibilities as class president after I'm through with Harvey," she muttered. "Until then, don't give any orders."

"Fine," sighed Joker. "But what's the point of being class president if I can't make people do stupid things?"

He strode over to Harley, who nodded at him. "Congrats, Mr. J," she murmured.

"Hey, turn that frown upside down, kiddo!" he exclaimed. "You're dating the class president now! And don't you worry about that scholarship – I've got it all taken care of."

Harley stared at him. "How…" she began.

"I told Leland that Harvey threatened you," he replied. "And that he set all this up to get back at me. She believed me, with Eddie's testimony, and now even if he tries to influence the scholarship committee, everyone will know he's lying. So if you win one, you're gonna win on your own merits, and not because you did or didn't do a favor for someone. I mean, I know that most presidents don't follow that rule traditionally, but I ain't like a normal president, after all," he chuckled.

"Oh…Mr. J!" gasped Harley, beaming. She threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"Yeah, you keep up the Mr. J, toots," he said, stroking her hair back and smiling. "But these other losers can call me Mr. President."

…

"So J…"

"Mr. President."

"So...Mr. President," growled Selina Kyle. "Can we talk about prom?"

"I'm all ears, kitty!" chuckled Joker. "It's the Weed Lady who seems to have clammed up."

Pamela sat across from Joker, glaring at him with a look that could kindly be described as loathing. "How's the boyfriend, Pammie?" asked Joker, grinning at her.

"He's not my boyfriend!" snapped Pamela. "I hate his guts, only slightly less than I hate yours!"

"Geez, Pammie, that's harsh," said Joker, shaking his head. "Dumping a guy when he's down…"

"Principal Leland suspended Harvey for a few days after their meeting," said Selina, slowly. "And Harvey got so angry that he…uh…kicked over a tree."

Joker stared at her. "He did what?"

"Kicked over a tree," repeated Selina, nodding. "I mean, it wasn't a huge tree, but it was a pretty impressive display of anger, I gotta admit. But you know how attached Pammie is to plants…"

"Yeah, kinda a creepy attachment, if you ask me," muttered Joker.

Pamela slapped him hard. "Well, we thought maybe prom could have a floral theme," said Selina, stepping in between the two and opening a notebook with some sketches. "Or if that doesn't intrigue you, maybe the theme could be cats."

Joker looked from one to the other. "That's your brilliant idea?" he asked. "You've been planning this for months, and this is the best you've come up with? Plants or cats?"

"Or maybe some combination of the two," suggested Selina. "Like cats climbing trees…"

"Tell me this is a joke," interrupted Joker.

"I'll say it is," growled Pamela. "You being in charge of anything is a huge joke, especially you being in charge of the most important event of any high schooler's life ever!"

"Hey, I want this prom to be a success as much as you two do," retorted Joker.

"And so what kinda theme do you suggest, Mr. President?" asked Selina, sarcastically. "Clowns?"

Joker was silent. "Would anyone object to a circus theme?" he asked.

The other two groaned. "Well, we're going to have to compromise on something!" retorted Joker. "And we can't very well have the theme being Floral Cat Circus!"

"What about some kinda Hollywood theme?" asked Selina. "That's pretty standard."

"Or a masquerade," suggested Pamela.

"Yeah, something along those lines," agreed Joker, nodding slowly. "Maybe a costume party?"

"What kinda costumes, though?" asked Selina.

"Whatever people want," replied Joker. "That way you can do your whole Cat Lady thing, and Pammie can do her Plant Lady thing, and I can do my clown thing!"

"So how do we condense that idea into a single, catchy theme?" asked Pamela.

"Just say the theme is Costume Party," replied Joker. "Wear what you wanna, as long as it ain't yourself. Or no, wait!" he said, snapping his fingers. "Wear what you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Selina, puzzled.

"It means what I just said," he retorted. "Wear what you are. If you had to describe your persona using a costume, wear that. I'm the Joker, so I'd wear some kinda clown getup. And you're Catwoman, so you'd probably wear something to do with cats, and Poison Ivy…"

"I won't dress as some insulting name a bunch of men have given to me," snapped Pamela.

"Fine, then make up a new one," he said. "But I think it's a great idea. Too many people spend too much time hiding who they really are. It's time we were proud of who we are, and dressed to show that. And then maybe we can do superlative stuff in connection with it – y'know, most likely to succeed, most likely to win second place in a beauty contest, most likely to end up in a lunatic asylum, you know the kinda stuff."

"That could actually work," said Pamela, looking at Selina, who nodded.

"We can call the theme Identity Parade," said Joker, smiling. "Now if you ladies will excuse me, I'll leave you to your planning. I got other, presidential stuff to do."

"Like what?" asked Selina.

"Oh, I thought about bugging the teachers' lounge so I can hear what everyone's saying about me!" chuckled Joker. "That's pretty presidential, wouldn't you say?"

They both just looked at him. "It's a joke," he retorted. "Bugging stuff? President Nixon? Watergate?"

"How the hell do you know about Watergate?" asked Pamela, puzzled.

"Harley taught me," he retorted. "Well, the class president's gotta pass history class, huh? Now I gotta run or I'll be late for another lesson."

Selina and Pamela stared after him. "I know he's a jerk and all," said Selina, slowly. "But this prom doesn't sound so bad. Do you think J as class president could actually work?"

"Anything's possible, I guess," sighed Pamela. "Though for my own personal satisfaction, I really hope it doesn't."


	17. Chapter 17

"So, Mr. J, let's see how you did," said Harley, taking the practice test from him. "The answer to question one is 'c.' And you put…'c'." She beamed at him. "Rightaroonie, puddin'," she breathed, planting a kiss on his lips.

He pulled her close, but she drew away. "The answer to question two was 'b.' And you put…'b'." She smiled, and kissed him again. "I can see my little kissing reward incentive is working out," she murmured

"And the answer to question three was 'c,' and you put…" She frowned. "You put 'a.' Uh oh. No kiss for you," she sighed, as she put a big 'x' over the answer.

"No, look, toots, that's clearly a 'c'," said Joker, pointing at the answer. "See? It's just funny looking."

"I need to teach you how to write too?" said Harley, grinning. "If you can't make the letters look distinct, puddin', how are the teachers gonna know you got the answer right?"

"I think they could show a certain amount of favoritism toward the class president," retorted Joker. "Everyone likes a guy with power, huh, sweets?" he murmured, leaning forward to kiss her.

"Don't you dare try to abuse your power like that!" giggled Harley, pushing him away. "Now why did you miss this one? Show me your work, so we can figure out what you did wrong."

Joker sighed. "Can't we take a study break, toots?" he asked. "I got a headache."

"They ain't gonna let you have a break during finals, puddin'," said Harley. "It's four hours of straight testing, and you gotta pass."

He sighed heavily. "But if your head's really bothering you, I guess a five minute break won't hurt," she murmured, grinning. "I can kiss your boo boo and make it better," she whispered, kissing his forehead.

"You know where else I hurt, kiddo?" he murmured. "My mouth. It's like I got some kinda ulcer there. You wanna see if you can kiss it better?"

"Nah, I'll probably just get infected," retorted Harley, grinning. "And I kinda wish you'd told me about it before. Guess I can't kiss you for the rest of the day, huh?"

"Hey, it was a joke!" he protested.

"Can't take any risks, though, can I, puddin'?" she asked, smiling at him. "Shame. I was really enjoying our study smooching. Oh well."

"C'mon, Harley, this ain't funny," growled Joker.

She grinned, returning her attention to his paper. "The answer to the next one is 'a.' And you've written…'a'." She looked up at him, beaming. "Mmm, I shouldn't, but you're just too irresistible."

"Allure of power, kid," he chuckled as Harley kissed him tenderly. "Nobody can resist it."

Their kiss was interrupted by a key turning in the lock. "That'll be Mom and Dad," said Harley, pulling away from him reluctantly and straightening her clothes.

"How do I look?" asked Joker, smoothing his hair back.

"Gorgeous," said Harley, kissing his cheek and taking his hand. "They're gonna love you."

The door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel entered the apartment, carrying a bag of groceries each. "How's the homework coming, Harl…" began Mr. Quinzel, but he stopped talking suddenly as he saw the boy holding his daughter's hand.

Harley cleared her throat. "Uh…Mom…Dad…I just wanted to introduce you to my…uh…boyfriend. This is J," she said, prodding him gently forward.

He held out his hand. "I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel."

Mr. Quinzel shook his hand slowly, and to Harley's relief, wasn't shocked by a joy buzzer, unlike the first time she shook hands with J. "It's…nice to meet you too, J," he said.

"Would you…uh…like to stay for dinner?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, shaking his hand.

"Thanks, Mrs. Quinzel, that'd be great," he said, smiling.

"It's funny…Harley didn't tell us you were going to be here," said Mrs. Quinzel, heading into the kitchen to unpack the groceries.

"No, I wanted it to be a nice surprise," said Harley. "It is a nice surprise, huh, Dad?" she asked, glancing at her father in concern.

"Oh yeah, sure, Harley," he said. "I think we're both just a little confused…this is J, did you say?"

"Yeah," said Harley, nodding.

"And wasn't he the boy you said was a total jerk?" asked her father. "Didn't he have a cream pie spring outta your locker and ruin your clothes?"

"Yeah, he did do that," agreed Harley. "And I did say he was a total jerk. But it turns out he ain't so bad."

"It was a childish prank, Mr. Quinzel, you gotta forgive me," said Joker, sincerely. "I'm completely over those now, and I've apologized to Harley repeatedly for the way I treated her when she first got here. There was no excuse for that. All I wanna do now is be a better person and get my grades up, so I can be the kinda guy worthy enough to take Harley to the prom."

"Well, that's…very admirable, J," said Mr. Quinzel, nodding. "I'll just…uh…go help your mother in the kitchen, Harley."

"Don't worry – you're doing great," said Harley, squeezing Joker's hand as her parents disappeared into the kitchen. "I think they're just a little shocked. I ain't ever had a boyfriend before."

"Yeah? Guys in your old school must have been a buncha blind losers," retorted Joker, grinning.

She kissed him. "And I'm sorry for telling my parents you were a jerk," she said. "But you were."

"Hey, don't worry about it," said Joker, shrugging. "Nothing an audience likes better than a reformed sinner. Though I think 'jerk' may be a bit too strong a word…"

"I'm not sure that's the word I used," she retorted. "Is it, Mom?" she asked, as Mrs. Quinzel came out to set the table. "I didn't call J a jerk, did I?"

"I think you called him an ignorant slacker who would never amount to anything," replied Mrs. Quinzel. "But it's nice to know you've changed your mind."

Joker glared at Harley. "Oh, c'mon, that's what you used to be like!" she retorted.

"And you said his hair was stupid," said Mrs. Quinzel, returning to the kitchen.

Joker gaped at her. "There is nothing wrong with my hair!" he snapped.

"It's green!" she retorted.

"So?" he demanded. "I thought you liked it!"

"I do like it!" she cried. "But I was angry that you humiliated me, so I was just criticizing everything about you!"

"Well, that's real mature, ain't it, toots?" he snapped.

"I ain't mature when I'm angry!" she retorted. "And don't you dare talk to me about maturity! All your jokes and pranks are completely childish!"

"I thought you liked my jokes and pranks!" he exclaimed.

"I do!" she cried. "I told you – I was just upset!"

"Dinner's ready," said Mrs. Quinzel, entering the room again.

Joker and Harley headed over to the table, glaring at each other. An awkward silence pervaded as her parents sat down. "Well, you both seem…really happy together," said Mr. Quinzel, slowly.

"We are, as long as Harley don't insult my hair," growled Joker.

"I _like _your hair!" snapped Harley.

"Why did you choose to dye it green, J?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

Joker swirled his fork around his plate. "If you gotta know, it was an accident," he muttered. "I…uh…accidentally got my Mom's bleach mixed up with my hair tonic and…uh…it came out green. And it's kinda permanent. But it looks great, actually, so I can't complain."

Harley giggled, and he grinned at her. "This is great grub, by the way, Mrs. Q," he said, nodding at Mrs. Quinzel.

"Oh…thank you, J," said Mrs. Quinzel. "What nice manners your parents have taught you."

"Yeah, they tried," agreed Joker, nodding. "Didn't take much of it in, though. I'm a slow learner. Ask Harley."

"But when he wants something, he really puts in the effort," said Harley, squeezing his hand. "I think that kinda passion and dedication is pretty rare. J's class president now, y'know."

"No, I didn't," said Mr. Quinzel, impressed. "Congratulations, J. That must have been a lotta hard work."

Joker shrugged. "Actually, it was a steal," he said, smiling. "It's amazing who people will vote for if you market yourself as the 'fun' candidate. I mean, everyone likes fun. Except Bruce Wayne, but he's a square."

"Bruce Wayne is J's fellow hall monitor," explained Harley.

Mr. Quinzel looked at her in shock. "Well, Harley, he certainly seems a lot different from the J you told us about. You sure he's the same guy?"

"Oh, there's only one Joker, Mr. Q!" chuckled Joker.

"Joker?" he repeated.

"Just a nickname of mine," he explained. "But I'm gonna make good use of it at prom. What about you, kid?" he asked Harley. "What's your costume gonna be?"

"Oh…well…I already got this nice dress from Pamela, so I guess I'll work around that," said Harley. "I'm sure I can come up with something that describes me for this Identity Parade. It's red with black diamonds."

"Diamonds," said Joker, thoughtfully. "You could be a…baseball diamond! Not that that really describes you…I mean, you don't even really like baseball for all I know. What about a…diamond in the rough? That's definitely you."

"I'm not sure how I'd go about dressing as that," replied Harley.

"Diamonds are…forever. Diamonds are…a girl's best friend…" continued Joker.

"Don't worry, Mr. J, I'm sure I'll figure something out," said Harley. "Maybe I can go as a biker, 'cause of the whole Harley thing," she laughed.

"Harley," repeated Joker. "Harley Quinzel. Harley Quin…" He trailed off, smiling. "That's it, sweets!" he exclaimed. "You can go as Harley Quinn! Y'know, like a harlequin, a clown, kinda like me."

"Well…I _am_ kinda like you, Mr. J," agreed Harley, smiling at him. "And harlequins traditionally wore diamonds."

Joker shook his head. "Too many coincidences. It's gotta be fate."

"What's gotta be fate?" asked Harley.

"The whole you and me thing," he replied. "Joker and Harley Quinn, two clowns who belong together."

"Ain't he just the most romantic guy in the universe, Mom?" sighed Harley, gazing at Joker dreamily.

"Yes," she agreed. "He's nothing like you said, in fact, Harley. And I mean that in a nice way."

"No offense taken, Mrs. Q," said Joker, nodding. "I used to be a pretty bad guy. But it's amazing how nice people are to you when you stop trying to torment them."

Harley felt the atmosphere relax as her parents continued to talk to Joker, and as the evening passed in conversation and board games, Harley felt like they were all one big, happy family, which made her incredibly glad.

"It's getting late, J – can we offer you a ride home?" asked Mr. Quinzel, after a final game of Clue.

"No thanks, Mr. Q. The last thing I wanna do is share a car with a guy who was twice convicted of murdering Mr. Boddy!" chuckled Joker. "I'll be fine getting back."

"I hope we haven't kept you out too late," said Mrs. Quinzel. "Won't your parents be worried?"

Joker shrugged. "Nah, they…uh…let me have my freedom generally."

"Maybe we can meet them soon," suggested Mrs. Quinzel.

"Yeah…maybe," agreed Joker, smoothing his hair back. "They're not much…uh…like you, though. I mean, they probably don't even know I'm gone – they're probably not home from the bar yet…"

He trailed off. "I'm sorry that's…more than I meant to say." He cleared his throat. "Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Q."

"I'll see you out," said Harley, taking his hand and leading him to the door of the apartment.

"Look, what I said about my parents…try to forget that, huh?" asked Joker, gently. "I don't want you thinking about me as some kinda latchkey kid whose folks don't care if he's around or not. I mean, that's kinda pathetic, right?"

"I don't think you're pathetic," murmured Harley. She leaned forward and kissed him tenderly. "And I do care that you're around," she murmured. "Goodnight, Mr. J."

"Such a nice boy," said Mrs. Quinzel, clearing away the dishes as Harley shut the door. "Shame about his…circumstances, but I'm glad he has you to help make him a better person, sweetie."

"Didn't I tell you you'd fit right in here, Harley?" asked her father, smiling at her. "And that everyone here would be crazy about you, and you'd be happy?"

"Yeah, Dad, you did," sighed Harley. She grinned back, hugging him tightly. "And thanks for being mature enough not to say I told you so."


	18. Chapter 18

"Well, today's the day," said Harley, holding Joker's hand as they entered Arkham High together. "Finals. You nervous?"

He laughed. "What have I got to be nervous about, toots? I've barely passed any test, and now I've got a whole bunch of 'em all at once! It's not nervousness so much as an acceptance of failure."

"You're not going to fail," she said firmly, squeezing his hand. "You're gonna do fine. Just remember everything I taught you. And remember that no matter what happens, I'll still love you."

He laughed. "That ain't good motivation, kid!" he exclaimed. "You should say if I fail, you'll stop loving me. Then I'll work real hard not to. As it is, you'll love me whatever happens, so why should I even bother trying?"

"Well, hopefully because you wanna make me proud, and not feel like I've wasted my time," retorted Harley. "But all right, Mr. J – if you fail, I won't love you anymore."

"Good. Now I'm properly motivated," he said, nodding. He was quiet for a moment. "You do…uh…love me, huh, Harley?"

"Uh…yeah," she said, looking down at her feet and blushing. "Don't you…uh…love me?"

"Uh, yeah," he repeated, grinning at her. "But I'll try to knock it off if I fail. Nothing more pathetic than loving someone who doesn't love you back, is there?"

"Maybe failing your finals," she replied, smiling. "So don't do it."

The bell rang, summoning everyone to class. "Good luck," said Harley, kissing him tenderly. "I love you."

"I love you too," he murmured. They smiled at each other, kissed again, and then headed off to their separate classrooms.

…

"Well, that was remarkably easy," said Jervis Tetch at lunch. "I didn't even study for mine, and it turns out I didn't need to."

"What do you mean, you didn't study?" asked Jonathan Crane. "You've been ignoring my telephone calls for weeks!"

"Yes, I've been working," replied Tetch, nodding. "On planning the perfect evening for Alice. I'm preparing a Wonderland of events for our prom date – we're going to arrive in a horse-drawn carriage accompanied by a string quartet. It's been terribly hard to find such a thing as a footman and groom for the carriage, but I've managed it. We'll also be dining earlier that evening at the finest restaurant in Gotham, and I've managed to forge two false identification cards for us so that we will be able to order champagne even though we're underage."

Crane stared at him. "How did you get ahold of fake IDs?" he asked.

"I am acquainted with a man who makes them," replied Tetch. "It cost an arm and a leg, but I think it'll be worth it."

"Who?" asked Crane. "Who could you possibly know that deals in illegal trade like that?"

"Here ya go, Tetchy," said the Joker, slamming two cards down on the table. "You're all set!"

"You?" demanded Crane.

"I know, where do I find the time?" sighed Joker. "Between my class president duties, studying for these goddamn tests, and forging these ID cards for most of the high school in time for prom, it's a wonder I haven't gone crazy. How did you nerds do on the exams?"

"Fine, I suspect," replied Crane. "I've spent weeks locked in my room with no social contact whatsoever…"

"And how is that any different to how you spend your time normally?" interrupted Joker.

Crane glared at him. "If you must know, I haven't even spoken to Jervis," he retorted. "Although he's been neglecting his studies."

"Jonathan, I've spent my whole life studying to improve my mind," retorted Tetch. "It's about time I did something enjoyable, and when such a perfect opportunity as Alice as my prom date presents itself, I would have to be utterly mad not to take advantage of it. If all goes well, it's entirely possible that we'll end up married…"

"Whoa, jumping the gun a little, aren't you?" chuckled Joker. "From prom date to wife?"

"My view is if you love a girl enough to want to go with her to prom, you should love her enough to marry her," retorted Tetch. "Are you saying you have no intention of marrying Harley?"

"Well, I ain't really…thought about it," replied Joker, slowly. "I mean, we're both young. Plenty of time to settle down…"

"Well, if you ask me, it's despicable to keep a girl waiting like that," retorted Tetch. "And it shows you have absolutely no faith in the relationship. Once you've found true love, why wait? And I have found true love."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Tetchy," said Joker, nodding. "You've found a girl who wants to go out with you, and you're certainly not gonna do any better. Probably best for you to pin her down before she realizes she got a bum deal."

"Hey, sweetheart, how did it go?" asked Harley, entering the cafeteria and draping her arms around Joker. "Think you're gonna pass?"

"Nope," he retorted. "But that way if I don't, I won't be disappointed, and if I do, I can be pleasantly surprised."

She kissed him. "I like you better as an optimist," she replied, sitting down.

"How were finals for you, Harley?" asked Crane.

She shrugged. "I think I did all right in most of them. Chemistry and math were the toughest, but they always are for me. At least they're over now, though. Nothing left to do but wait."

"Yeah," agreed Joker. "And it's boring waiting in here. We should cut class this afternoon and do something fun."

"Cut class?" repeated Harley. "We can't do that!"

"Sure we can – I've done it lots of times!" retorted Joker. "And the school year's basically over – no one does any teaching after finals! You can spend the rest of this afternoon watching some boring movie, or you can spend it with me at the Ace Diner. What's it gonna be?"

Harley grinned at him. "You're very persuasive, you know," she murmured. "But I'm going to feel really guilty. I've never skipped school in my life."

"It's the end of senior year – time to live a little, wouldn't you say?" chuckled Joker. "See ya later, nerds!" he said, taking Harley's hand and leading her away.

Crane sighed. "Perhaps he's right, you know," he said. "Perhaps it is time to live a little."

He stood up. "Where are you going?" demanded Tetch.

"Elsewhere," replied Crane. "It's senior year, finals are over – it's time I took advantage of my freedom."

He left the cafeteria and went outside. He stood in the sunshine for a few moments, and then turned to go back in.

"Or perhaps not," he said, sitting back down next to Tetch. "Freedom is overrated."

Tetch nodded. "My thoughts exactly," he said, returning his attention to his book.

…

The Ace Diner was a popular hangout for the students of Arkham High – it was decorated and styled after a typical fifties diner, and served all kinds of cheap fast food.

"You gotta try one of the root beer floats, kid," said Joker, pulling out a chair for Harley. "In fact, we'll share one. Root beer float with two straws, please, sweetheart," he said to the waitress.

"Looks like we're not the only ones skipping school," said Harley, nodding at the table next to them, where most of the football team were seated.

Bruce Wayne noticed them and frowned, heading over to their table. "J, class presidents shouldn't be cutting class," he muttered. "And neither should hall monitors."

"Yeah? So what are you doing here, Brucie?" asked Joker.

"Monitoring…stuff," retorted Bruce.

"Looks to me like you're eating a burger," retorted Joker. "Just relax, will ya, Brucie? Get off the Nazi kick and cut me some slack towards the end of the year. Besides, if you report me to Leland, she'll know you were skipping too."

Bruce sighed. "Fine," he snapped. "But don't cause any trouble."

"Would I do that?" asked Joker, smiling innocently.

The door to the diner opened and Selina, Pamela, and Alice entered. "Hey, babe," said Selina, coming over to kiss Bruce. "How'd finals go?"

"They're over now, so let's not talk about them," said Bruce, leading her back to their table. Billy tried to get Alice's attention, but she ignored him, talking loudly to Pamela, who sat next to her.

"I'm really looking forward to prom, Pam, it's gonna be a blast," Alice said, pointedly. "Speaking of which, who are you going with, now that you and Harvey have broken up?"

"I don't…know," stammered Pamela, terror shooting into her eyes. "I…hadn't really thought about that." She looked around desperately. "Hey, Billy, since Alice has dumped you, you wanna go to prom with me?" she asked.

"Hey, you can't just steal him like that!" snapped Alice.

"Why not? You're going with Jervis!" retorted Pamela.

"Oh, thanks for the offer, Pam, but I wouldn't feel right going with anyone but Alice," said Billy. "She's the girl I love, after all."

Alice stared at him. "Wow…Billy…that's really sweet," she stammered. "I didn't know you were such a romantic."

"Well, I'm trying to change for you, Alice," he said. "I just wanna be the kinda man you want. Because I just wanna be with you."

"Fine, you're no good," snapped Pamela, looking around again. "Bane, you going to prom with anyone?"

"_Qué_?" he muttered, glaring at her.

"Prom!" Pamela repeated, loudly and slowly. "You…going…with…anyone?"

"_No comprendo_," he retorted, returning to his meal.

"Never mind," sighed Pamela. "Who else? Not you, Croc," she said, as Waylon Jones raised his hand hopefully.

The door to the diner opened again, and Harvey Dent entered. "Uh oh," muttered Joker, grabbing a menu and hiding his face behind it. Dent didn't see him, heading over to the football table.

"Hello, Bruce," he growled.

"Harvey," said Bruce, nodding politely. "You wanna join us?"

"Thanks," he said, casting a quick glance at Pamela. "How'd finals go for you?"

"Like I said to Selina, they're done, so let's not talk about them," Bruce said. "Now that they're over, I can finally look forward to prom. I've got a Batman costume all designed. What are you going as?"

"Haven't decided yet," muttered Harvey. "Plus I don't have anyyone to go with."

He glanced at Pamela again, who was staring intently at the menu in front of her. "Well, you'll find someone," said Bruce, encouragingly. "There are plenty of girls at Arkham. And I'm sure they'd all feel lucky to be going with the…er…uh…former class president."

"Former class president," repeated Harvey, angrily. "Thanks for reminding me."

He seized an empty glass and slammed it down on the table, so hard that it shattered. "When I get my hands on that lying, cheating piece of scum, I'm gonna break his face in two!" he roared.

"He's done an all right job, Harvey," said Pamela, lightly. "Certainly with prom. Probably much better than you could have done."

Harvey turned to face her slowly, rage written all over his face. "What…did….you…say?" he hissed.

"I said he's done an all right job!" she repeated, slamming the menu shut and glaring at him. "Probably better than you could have done! And if anyone needs their face broken in two, it's you! You pretend to be Mr. Charming Politician, but you're nothing more than a callous, heartless jerk!"

"You shut your mouth, you little tramp!" roared Harvey, lunging at her. Bruce tried to intercept him, fighting to hold him back.

"Harley, let's get outta here," whispered Joker, grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet while Harvey was distracted. He headed for the door when he suddenly tripped over their table, grabbing at it to support himself, and knocking it over, which sent the root beer float splattering over one half of Harvey's face as Joker fell at his feet.

Joker slowly looked up at Harvey's furious face, dripping ice cream and glaring down at him. He grinned. "Uh…hiya Harv," he said.

Harvey roared, lunging at him. Bruce shouted at Bane to help restrain Harvey as Joker scrambled to his feet and raced out of the diner, dragging Harley after him.

When they were safely away from the diner, Joker started laughing. "You think we should call him Two-Face from now on?" he chuckled, grinning at Harley.

"No," she replied, firmly. "Not unless you wanna be in a wheelchair for prom."

"Yeah," sighed Joker, shaking his head sadly. "It's a shame how some people just can't take a joke."


	19. Chapter 19

"You look just beautiful, sweetie," said Mrs. Quinzel, beaming at her daughter.

"Thanks, Mom," said Harley, smiling as she looked down at her dress. "I hope J agrees with you."

"He will – he's got great taste," replied Mr. Quinzel, emerging from the bedroom with a camera. "Now lemme get a picture. Big smile!"

Harley obliged him – she felt like smiling as she spun around in the beautiful dress. She didn't dress up often, so this made a nice change. She was wearing a black mask to match the black diamonds on the dress, and so she had traded in her glasses for a pair of contact lenses. Her blonde hair was done up in pigtails, and she wore white facepaint and black lipstick to complete the clown look.

"Gosh, you're so pretty and grown up!" said Mr. Quinzel, snapping picture after picture. "I'm gonna need some more film for when J gets here!"

"Oh, we'll get it, sweetie," said Mrs. Quinzel, pulling Harley toward the bedroom. "I just wanna pin Harley's dress a bit more."

She shut the door, and cleared her throat as she reached for the box of pins. "Look, sweetie, I know this is a little awkward, but…I just wanted to talk to you about…what can happen when a boy and girl love each other very much."

Harley gaped at her. "What, now?" she hissed, blushing. "Just before prom?"

"Yes, I can't put it off any longer," said Mrs. Quinzel, fixing her dress. "I mean, I know you know the gist of it, but…well…traditionally prom night is a time when couples think about taking their relationship to the next level…"

"Mom, I really don't wanna talk about this right now!" said Harley, blushing furiously.

"Harley, it's important," she said, looking up at her daughter sincerely. "Look, I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do – you're old enough now to make your own decisions. I just wanna make sure that if you and he decide to…explore, well...it's really important that you use protection…"

"Yeah, Mom, I get it," interrupted Harley. "Can we stop talking about this, please?"

"I just want you to be careful, baby," she murmured. "Promise me you'll use protection."

"Yeah, yeah, I promise!" said Harley, hastily. "Now can we please change the subject?"

The doorbell rang. "That'll be Mr. J!" said Harley, racing out to answer it. She pulled open the door and smiled at the Joker, who was dressed in a purple suit with an orange shirt and a green bowtie. He gaped at her in astonishment.

"Wow!" he gasped. "You look great!"

"Thanks. So do you," she murmured, leaning forward to kiss him.

"Here – that's for you," he said, holding out a corsage to her. "Be careful with it. If you press it too hard, it squirts."

"You brought me a trick flower for my corsage?" asked Harley, in disbelief.

"Yeah," he said, his smile falling. "Why? Doncha like it?"

She grinned. "I love it," she murmured, kissing him again and pinning it to her dress. "Now come inside so Mom and Dad can get some pictures."

"J, don't you look handsome!" exclaimed Mrs. Quinzel, emerging from the bedroom with another roll of film.

"Thanks, Mrs. Q," he said, smoothing his hair back. "Though I'm sure a lotta people don't see a guy with green hair in a purple suit and think handsome."

"Well, it suits you," she said.

"Now can we have the Joker and Harley Quinn standing together, please?" asked Mr. Quinzel, holding up the camera. "Big smiles now!"

"Dad, we're gonna be late," said Harley, after about the hundredth picture. The smile was beginning to hurt.

"Ok," he sighed, putting the camera away reluctantly. "You two have a nice evening."

"I'll bring her home before midnight, Mr. Q, I promise," said Joker.

"Of course you will, J, you're a good boy," said Mrs. Quinzel, hugging him and her daughter in turn. "Have fun now!"

"Don't worry, Mrs. Q – it's impossible not to have fun in a limousine!" chuckled Joker, leading Harley down the stairs of the apartment. "It's kinda an unwritten rule!"

He opened the front door of the building and Harley gasped as she saw a huge, black limousine waiting outside, with a chauffeur holding the door open. "My dear?" said Joker, holding out a hand to help her inside.

"Mr. J, this is…amazing!" she gasped, climbing into the spacious interior. "How on earth did you afford this?"

"Oh, I have sources of income, sweets," he chuckled, sitting down next to her. He popped open a bottle of champagne, pouring two glasses.

"Mr. J, we can't drink!" whispered Harley. "We're underage!"

"Are we?" he chuckled. "Or are we 21?" he asked, handing her a fake ID with her picture on it.

"He believes we're 21 when he's driving us to a high school prom?" demanded Harley.

Joker shrugged. "We got held back a couple years. We're a really stupid couple, but this year we're finally gonna graduate! So I'm splashing out on prom. Can you blame me?"

"This is illegal," said Harley firmly, as Joker handed her a glass.

"Yep," he agreed, taking a long sip. "And I gotta say, it feels pretty good to be bad! C'mon, sweetheart. Try being a bad girl for once."

Harley looked at him, and then gently took a sip from the glass. She made a face. "Being bad doesn't taste very nice."

"It's an acquired taste," he agreed. "Try some more."

She obeyed, and grinned. "You're not trying to get me drunk just to take advantage of me, are ya, Mr. J?"

"Do I need to get you drunk to do that?" he chuckled, leaning forward to kiss her. "Or are you gonna let me get past second base tonight?"

"On prom night?" she murmured, returning his kisses. "That's such a cliché. You wouldn't wanna be a cliché, would you, Mr. J?"

"Hmm, would I rather be a cliché or get past second base?" he murmured, grinning. "I'm honestly not sure."

"Well, lay off for now, or you'll mess up my makeup," she said, pushing him gently back. She smiled. "And as for afterwards, let's just say you are pretty irresistible in that suit."

He smiled back, kissing her gently. Harley looked down at her hands. "Just…in case…y'know," she stammered. "Do you have…uh…protection?"

He reached into his pocket and held a packet out to her. "Just in case," he repeated, nodding. "Because, y'know, if you're not comfortable I don't wanna pressure you into…"

"I know. You're sweet," she interrupted. "I'll have to see how I feel by the end of tonight. Is that ok?"

He laughed. "Of course it's ok," he murmured, kissing her. "I want you to enjoy this, if it's your first time."

He studied her. "It would be…uh…your first time, huh?"

She nodded. "What about you?"

He smoothed his hair back. "There was a girl who went to Arkham a couple years back. Jeannie was her name and she and I…uh…had a little thing. A brief, meaningless thing," he added, hastily. "Nothing like how I feel for you. But she didn't have any problems…rushing into things. Y'know."

"Oh," said Harley, surprised, and a little jealous. "Was she…uh…pretty?"

He looked uncomfortable. "Yeah. Nothing compared to you, of course, not a total knockout and all. But yeah, she was…nice-looking."

She nodded, staring at the ground. "What is it?" he asked, gently.

She shrugged. "It's silly. But I guess I just kinda wanted…to be your first."

He took her hands. "Hey," he said, tilting her chin up. "I didn't love her. You _are _my first, with a girl I really love. You're the first time it's gonna mean anything. With Jeannie, I wanted it because I wanted to see what it was like. I did it for me. If we…do this, I wanna do it for you. I wanna make it a good experience for you. Because I love you, Harley."

She smiled, kissing him gently. "I love you too, Mr. J," she murmured. "Now let's just enjoy prom. I can't wait to see how much all your hard work has paid off."

"Yeah, the old gym looks pretty good, if I do say so myself," agreed Joker. "Course Pammie and Selina did most of the actual work. I just kinda told them what to do."

"Bet they loved that," replied Harley, grinning.

"I think they knew it was all for a good cause," he said, shrugging. "I'm kinda hoping it'll knock your socks off."

"That'll be hard, since I'm not wearing socks," said Harley, kicking off her shoes and putting her bare feet over his legs. He began massaging her feet as she sipped some more champagne. "Gotta say, Mr. J, this is great," she murmured, grinning at him. "A girl could get used to being a little bad, huh?"

"I sure hope so, sweets," he chuckled, kissing her. "I like you this way!"

…

"Wow!" exclaimed Harley, as Joker held open the door to the gym. "It looks amazing, Mr. J!"

And it did. Soft lights of all colors bathed the room, while a disco ball slowly turned on the ceiling, sending spots of lights in all directions. Streamers hung along the walls, and at one end of the gym stood a backdrop with height markings, similar to what you'd see behind a police lineup. There was a long table next to it, piled with food and drinks, and a stage at the far end, where a live band played music.

"Yeah, not bad," agreed Joker, nodding as he looked around. "Hey, Catwoman!" he shouted across the room.

Selina Kyle turned. She was wearing a tight, black catsuit with a tail attached, stiletto heels, and a black mask with cat ears, and she held the arm of a man who looked equally ridiculous.

Bruce Wayne was dressed in a black suit with a black cowl and bat ears, topped off with a long, dark cape. "Great job on the decorations!" shouted Joker, waving at them.

"Oh…thanks, J," said Selina, who had been expecting an insult. "You both look great," she said, nodding at them. "Red really suits you, Harley."

"Yep, and black suits you both," agreed Joker, nodding. "Literally!" he chuckled.

"Nice corsage too…ow!" shouted Selina, as she touched the flower and it sprayed liquid onto her hand. "What the hell is that?"

"Just a weak acid, Selina – it doesn't do any permanent damage," retorted Joker. "Who else is here?"

"Pamela and Harvey were, but they've wandered off somewhere," said Selina, looking around.

"They were here _together_?" said Joker, surprised.

Selina shrugged. "She couldn't find anyone else to go with. The only other guys who offered were Waylon Jones and Edward Nygma. I guess she thought Harvey was the lesser of three evils."

"Can't say I blame her," agreed Joker. "Where's Beauty and the Nerd?"

"Oh, you haven't heard?" asked Selina. "Alice told Jervis she was going with Billy at the last minute."

"Ouch," said Harley, making a face. "Is he still coming?"

"From what I understand, he couldn't cancel all his plans at the last minute," replied Selina. "So I think so. He's probably just come with a different date."

"Yep. Different gender and everything," laughed Joker, pointing at the door as Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch entered together. "I always thought you two would make a cute couple!" giggled Joker.

"Yes, laugh it up!" snapped Crane. "No joke you can make could be any more humiliating than dining at an expensive restaurant together while being serenaded by a string quartet, which then accompanied us during our carriage ride here!"

"For the last time, I told you I couldn't cancel it all!" snapped Tetch.

"Boys, boys, let's not ruin your first date with a lotta fighting!" laughed Joker.

"You feeling ok, Jervis?" asked Harley, gently.

He shrugged. "I'll live. And she was so very kind about the whole thing that I really can't resent her for it. She took me aside and told me that while she promised to go with me, she was in love with Billy. And she told me she would still go with me, if I insisted, but she was asking me kindly to release her from her obligation. I just couldn't refuse her."

"Yes, and I suppose the meal was good anyway," sighed Crane.

"I'm glad you came, Johnny," said Harley, smiling at him. "Prom wouldn't have been the same without you. And you just look great."

"Thank you, Harley," he said. "I've decided that the Scarecrow is an appropriate way to describe me. A straw man who nevertheless enjoys fear."

"I don't think you're a straw man, Johnny," said Harley. "If anything, I thought it was kinda an ironic costume. Y'know, the Scarecrow needing a brain, and you being the smartest guy in school and all."

"Well, we have yet to determine if I'm the smartest guy in school," murmured Crane, smiling. "But thank you."

"I'm the Mad Hatter," said Tetch, gesturing to his costume. "He loses Alice too, so I thought it would be appropriate."

"And he's had a mad hatter costume in his closet since he arrived," muttered Crane.

"That's not the only thing that's been in Jervis's closet!" chuckled Joker.

"Oh, do be quiet, J!" snapped Tetch. "As if I don't have enough to endure without you mocking me…"

At that moment, Alice and Billy entered together, looking very cuddly. Alice was dressed in a white, angel costume, and Billy had on a devil one. "Oh…hi, Jervis!" said Alice, smiling at him. "How was dinner?"

"Very nice, thank you," he replied. "I wish you had been there."

"Yeah, me too," she agreed. "But you're such a great friend for being so nice about all this."

She kissed his cheek and wandered off to get some food. "Angel," sighed Tetch, gazing after her.

"Yes. Talk about an ironic costume," muttered Crane, and Harley giggled.

Harvey and Pamela emerged from the bathroom, looking flushed. "Thought you weren't doing the whole Poison Ivy thing, Pammie!" said Joker. "You said it was demeaning."

"Well, Harvey and I decided that we'd both be good sports about our nicknames," replied Pamela, clasping Harvey's hand. "He's come as Two-Face."

"Yeah…you might wanna adjust your makeup there," said Joker, gesturing to his cheek. "Someone seems to have gnawed it off a little."

Harvey rubbed his cheek. "No hard feelings, huh, J?" he muttered, extending his hand. "You've done a great job with this prom thing, I gotta hand it to you."

"Well, the fun's just begun, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "Don't thank me yet! Hey, why doesn't everyone go get your picture taken by the lineup while I just do some last minute preparations? Back in a second!"

Harley headed over to get her picture taken with the others, keeping one eye on Joker as he headed over to the food table, discreetly pulling out a hip flask and emptying it into the punch. She grinned.

The evening, as can be expected, turned out to be a very jolly one. Everyone was in an exceptionally good mood, laughing and dancing and chatting. Towards the end of the evening, Joker headed up on stage and made a gesture for the band to silence. He cleared his throat in front of the microphone.

"Good evening, fellow students!" he said. They began cheering and applauding him just for that. "I'm so glad everyone is having such a good time tonight, and I know we'd like to give credit where it's due for this wonderful evening. So if you could join me in extending a big round of applause to Pamela Isley and Selina Kyle, my two little minions for this prom."

"Screw you, J!" shouted Pamela. She was an angry drunk. "I ain't your goddamn minion! I don't serve any man!"

"He's trying to thank you, Pam," hissed Harvey, grabbing her glass away from her.

"Oh…thanks, J!" she called, waving at him. "You're all right!"

Joker cleared his throat again to silence the applause. "I'd also like to take this time to introduce our beloved Principal Leland, who's going to announce our Prom King and Queen. Here she is, folks, the lady of the hour!" he said, bowing as Principal Leland took the stage.

"Thank you for that lovely introduction, J," said Principal Leland, nodding at him. "It's so good to see everyone's having nice, clean fun tonight. I actually have a couple more announcements this evening, aside from our Prom Court. First of all, the results from finals are in, and I'm very pleased to inform everyone here that you've passed. Even you, J," she said, nodding at him. Harley beamed at Joker. "Which means we have our valedictorian," continued Principal Leland, as the cheering died down. "It was a very close race, but if you could all join me in extending a round of applause to Jonathan Crane, who has won it."

Everyone cheered as Crane just stared at her, stunned. "I…I can't believe it!" he stammered.

"And if we could also congratulate our salutatorian by a very slim margin, Jervis Tetch!" said Principal Leland.

More applause followed. "Yes, that's me," sighed Tetch. "Second in everything." He held out his hand to Crane. "Congratulations, Jonathan," he said, sincerely. "The best man won."

"I'd also like to announce that the scholarship committee has chosen its winner for this year," continued Principal Leland. "This individual is going to enjoy a fully funded ride to college. And this individual is Harleen Quinzel."

Harley clapped a hand to her mouth, letting out a shriek of joy. She hugged Crane, who was standing next to her, feeling tears come to her eyes. Joker smiled at her, blowing her a kiss from the stage.

"And so finally we come to our Prom King and Queen," said Principal Leland, reaching for an envelope. "As you all know, this is a secret ballot, and I've got the confidential results here in my pocket," he said, pulling out an envelope. "So here they are. Your Prom King and Queen are…" She opened the envelope. "J and Harleen Quinzel."

"That's impossible!" shrieked Pamela. "I deserve that title!"

"Now you know how I feel," muttered Harvey.

"Come up onto the stage, sweetheart," said Joker, holding out his hand to Harley.

She stared at him, stunned, but was nudged gently forward by the other students. "Oh…Mr. J!" she gasped, as a tiara was placed on her head. "I can't believe this is real! You should pinch me or something!"

He kissed her tenderly. "That feel real enough for you?" he murmured. "Better than a pinch anyway."

She beamed, kissing him again to the applause of her fellow students.

"Before I go, there are a few more things I'm supposed to announce," said Principal Leland. "J wanted to do these along with this prom thing, and I thought it was a great idea. So without further ado, I have some superlative awards to give out. Most Likely to Succeed: Harvey Dent."

"Yes!" hissed Harvey, fist pumping as he climbed up on stage to collect his award.

"Most Likely to Use Their Powers for Good: Bruce Wayne."

"I'm the hero Arkham deserves," agreed Bruce.

"Most Likely to Use Their Powers for Evil: Jonathan Crane."

"Evil is a matter of perspective," muttered Crane.

"Class Clown…"

"J!" shouted all the students unanimously.

"Wasn't much of a contest, was it?" chuckled Joker.

"Most Attractive – actually, it's a tie between Pamela Isley and Selina Kyle."

They both rolled their eyes at the other. "Whatever!"

"Cutest Couple: Alice Pleasance and Billy Dodgson."

"Rub it in," muttered Tetch.

"Best Dressed: Jevis Tetch."

Tetch brightened instantly. "What a pleasant surprise," he said, adjusting his hat.

"Most Annoying: Edward Nygma."

"How is that even a category?!" demanded Nygma, who was dressed in a green bodysuit covered in question marks.

"Most Unique: Harleen Quinzel."

"That's my girl!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. Harley beamed back. She had never been so happy.

"And now, ladies and gents, let's return to the party!" cried Joker, seizing the microphone from Principal Leland. "Hit it, boys!" he exclaimed at the band.

They began playing "Twist and Shout," which the Joker sang and danced to, with the encouragement and applause of the entire school.

"Ferris Bueller's a bit of an idol of mine," he explained to Harley, as he leaped off the stage after the song was over.

"I would never have guessed," she murmured, grinning. The band began playing a slower song, and Joker pulled her close as they danced together.

"Although I gotta say, I don't see much of his inspiration in you anymore," murmured Harley, smiling at him. "You've reformed into a complete good guy. Class president, prom king, hall monitor, decent grades, doesn't scrub up bad either. I kinda miss the bad boy I met on my first day, who ran into me and shocked me with his joy buzzer."

"Oh, don't worry, baby," he murmured, grinning. "He's still around."

There was a shriek as the lineup backdrop suddenly exploded. The sparks set off a bunch of fireworks which had been attached to the back of it, and they flew up into the air with loud bangs.

"That was you?" said Harley, grinning at him.

"Yeah," he admitted, nodding. "I wanted this whole evening to go off with a bang."

"Well, I do love fireworks," murmured Harley, smiling. "They make me feel all tingly inside."

"Yeah? Wanna see some more fireworks, sweetheart?" he whispered. He kissed her passionately as the explosions continued to go off around them.

…

The limousine parked in front of Harley's apartment about ten minutes before midnight. "Told you we'd be back in time," murmured Joker, opening the door for her.

"I trusted you, Mr. J," she murmured, grinning at him. "You know that."

She blushed. "You…uh…had a nice time tonight, huh?" asked Joker.

"Yeah," she agreed, beaming at him. "It was the best night of my life."

"Good. That's what I wanted it to be," he whispered, kissing her. "And…I mean…you're ok, right? After…y'know…you sure I didn't hurt you?"

"Nah uh," she murmured. "It was wonderful, Mr. J. Just perfect."

"I'm glad," he said, squeezing her hand. "It was much better than it was with Jeannie. Not that it's a competition. But if it was, you won by a mile."

She grinned. "It's kinda a big thing, what we did, huh?" she asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," he agreed.

"I'm glad we did it," she said.

"Me too," he murmured. "I love you, Harley."

She kissed him tenderly. "I love you too," she murmured. "See you in a couple days for graduation?"

"Yeah, you will," he agreed, smiling. "I'm actually graduating, thanks to you. It seems like a miracle."

"Well, I knew you were capable of miracles," she murmured, grinning. "Goodnight."

They kissed again, and then she headed up the steps into the apartment building. "Oh, will your parents be at graduation?" she asked, turning suddenly. "Mom and Dad really wanna meet them."

His face fell. "Oh…yeah. They probably will."

"Great," she said, smiling at him. "I can't wait to meet them either. Night, Mr. J!"

She shut the door to the apartment. He sighed, climbing back into the limousine and slamming the door. "What a crap way to end a great evening," he muttered, looking after Harley. "Prepare yourself for a disappointment, kiddo. A real big one."


	20. Chapter 20

"There he is!" exclaimed Harley, spotting Joker through the swarm of people milling around the gym. She held her parents' hands as they pressed through the crowd. "Mr. J!" she cried, trying to get his attention. "Over here!"

He noticed her and smiled, heading over to her. "Quite a crowd!" he chuckled. "Who knew so many people would wanna sit through a boring graduation ceremony?"

"Are your parents here yet?" asked Harley, looking around.

"Nah, not yet. You look beautiful," he said, changing the subject quickly.

"Thanks," she said, smiling at him. "I'm still not used to dressing up."

"Well, no need to get used to it," he said, kissing her gently. "I like the old Harley better anyway."

She squeaked happily, kissing him. "Good to see you both again, Mr. and Mrs. Q," said Joker, nodding at her parents.

"You too, J," said Mrs. Quinzel, hugging him. "Do you know where your parents are gonna be sitting? We'd love to sit next to them."

"Uh…no, they didn't tell me," he said, frowning. "I wouldn't worry about it, Mrs. Q. But you'd better hurry if you wanna get good seats – it's a madhouse in here!"

"Ok. See you both after the ceremony," said Mrs. Quinzel, heading off into the audience with her husband.

"Your parents are coming, right, puddin'?" asked Harley, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm sure they'll be here," muttered Joker. "But they're late for a lotta things. C'mon, sweetheart, let's go find our seats," he said, heading toward the stage where the graduates sat.

Harley was going to press him for more information, but he didn't seem to want to talk about it. The ceremony began, with Principal Leland giving an encouraging speech about the graduates' future of possibilities. About halfway through this, the gym door opened and a man and a woman entered, shuffling to the back of the auditorium. Harley saw Joker's face harden into a frown as he noticed the pair, and then returned his attention to Principal Leland.

"And now I'd like to pass you on to our valedictorian, Jonathan Crane, who's prepared a short speech," said Principal Leland, nodding at Crane. He took the stand to rapturous applause.

"Thank you very much," he said. "I've been advised to make this brief by our class president, J," he said, nodding at Joker. "I think advised sounds better than threatened, anyway." There was laughter at this, and Crane smiled, continuing. "And actually I don't have much to say. My experience of life is dreadfully limited – I've just finished high school, for goodness sake, and I sincerely hope the rest of my life is better than that was. It would be difficult for it to be worse," he said, and the audience laughed again. "Anyway, I have no business trying to lecture my peers on how to live their lives," he continued. "One thing this school teaches you is that people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and each one can be incredibly different from another. So no piece of advice is going to apply to everyone, since everyone's life is going to be individual, different, and unique. I have read a lot of books, and what I've learned from them is that life is whatever you make of it, but it can sometimes be a lot easier if you bear certain things in mind. Remember who you are at heart, and be proud of it. Don't let anyone change you into something you're not. Be truthful, and honest with yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. And whatever happens, don't let fear hold you back from doing what you want. Find out what makes you special, and do it. I hope if we all do that, we can all find some measure of happiness in our lives. I wish everyone the greatest luck in that endeavor. Thank you."

The applause as Crane took his seat was deafening. "Great speech, Johnny," said Harley, leaning over to smile at him. "You're great at holding an audience. Have you ever thought of being a professor? You'd make a fantastic lecturer."

"I hadn't," replied Crane, smiling at her. "But I will definitely consider it."

After the speeches came the presentation of degrees, and Harley had never felt prouder than when J's name was called, and he shook hands with Principal Leland (without his joy buzzer, to her relief) as he accepted his degree. Except for when she collected her own degree, which contained a note from the committee awarding her scholarship, congratulating her on her academic success and containing an address to write to them at when she had decided on which university she would be attending.

"Congratulations, baby!" exclaimed Mrs. Quinzel after the ceremony was over.

"Thanks, Mom," said Harley, hugging both her parents. She looked over to the back of the auditorium, where Joker was conversing with the two people who had entered late. "You think we should go congratulate Mr. J, or is he gonna come over here?"

"No, let's go over to him," said Mr. Quinzel, taking her hand. As they approached, Harley could see something was wrong – the man and woman, upon closer inspection, weren't dressed for a graduation ceremony. They weren't dressed up at all. And they looked ill – the woman swayed unsteadily on her feet while the man leaned on the chair, glaring at Joker with something like hatred in his eyes, something that should never have been seen in the eyes of a parent toward their child.

"…why didn't you tell us it'd be a waste of goddamn time?" muttered the man, as Harley approached. "You think I ain't got better things to do than sit through some sorta boring, pointless ceremony?"

"No…sir," stammered Joker, glaring back at him. "I just kinda thought you might be proud of me, for once."

"Proud?" repeated the man. "Of you? Don't make me laugh, J," he muttered, lighting a cigarette.

"Uh…hi," said Mr. Quinzel. They all turned to face him, and he held out his hand to the man. "It's nice to finally meet you."

The man studied him, confused. "I'm sorry, who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Mr. Quinzel, Harley's Dad," he said, gesturing at Harley.

"Harley?" repeated the man, still confused.

"Uh…your son's girlfriend," replied Mr. Quinzel, nodding at Joker.

"I didn't know my son had a girlfriend," he retorted, looking at Harley in a mixture of astonishment and disgust. "I can't imagine what any girl would see in him. You are using protection, aren't you, J?" he asked, turning back to his son.

"Dad…" hissed Joker, angrily.

"It's important," his father interrupted. "You don't want a little accident to happen, after all, an unwanted, disappointing accident that you're stuck with for the rest of your life."

He said this pointedly, eyeing his son in loathing. Harley saw Joker's hand tighten into a fist, and she slid her hand onto his, twisting his fingers around hers instead.

Mr. Quinzel put his hand on Joker's shoulders. "You must be very proud of your boy," he murmured. "I know I would be, to have such a fine son."

"You can't be proud of a mistake, Mr. Quinzel," retorted the man, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "No matter how hard it tries to please you."

"Joe, can we go?" muttered the woman. It was the first time she had spoken – she had a hand held to her forehead, and her eyes were squeezed shut. "All this noise is giving me a headache. And I ain't had a drink in about an hour."

"Yeah, babe, we'll go," he muttered. "See ya around, kid," he said, turning to leave his son without another word.

Joker watched them go, shaking in fury. "Mr. J…" began Harley.

"Well, you got your wish," he interrupted. "You met 'em now. Ain't they a prize pair? Did I hit the jackpot or what?"

"Mr. J…" she repeated, but he stormed off suddenly. "I'm gonna go after him," murmured Harley to her parents. "Back in a second."

She followed him out of the school and onto the football field, where he climbed on top of the bleachers and sat there. "Can I join you?" she asked.

He nodded curtly. She took his hand and he pressed it gently, but didn't say anything else, staring off into the distance. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I kinda understand now."

"You can't understand," he murmured. "You have no idea what it's like to be treated like a screw up every single day of your life."

"No," she agreed. "But I think I can understand how that prompted you to act out. You did all the jokes and pranks as a cry for attention. And you didn't ever believe in yourself because nobody ever believed in you. Nobody said you were important or special. And you wanted to prove you were. And you are, Mr. J. You are. I love you so much," she said, kissing him.

He was silent for a long time. "Ever thought of being a shrink, toots?" he murmured at last.

"A shrink, huh?" she repeated, smiling. "Might be interesting. I need to see if they have a psychiatry program at Gotham University. That's where I'm going, y'see."

"Yeah?" he asked, looking at her. "Why's that?"

She kissed him again. "Because I wanna stay here with you, silly," she murmured. "I don't wanna go off to some faraway college and lose everything we have. No education could possibly be as precious as you are to me. So I'm staying here."

He smiled at her. "Y'know, I've got a little money saved up from those fake IDs," he murmured. "You think your parents would mind if we got a small apartment somewhere near the university? Just the two of us? You study while I get a job somewhere?"

"I'm sure I could convince them," she said, nodding. "Sounds like fun, Mr. J."

"Yeah," he agreed, touching her face. "Yeah, I think we'll have a lot of fun together."

They shared a lengthy kiss. "Now c'mon," said Harley, taking his hand and pulling him down the bleachers. "Dad's gonna wanna get some pictures of us."

They returned to the front of the school, where the recent graduates and their parents were milling about. Everyone was gathered around Crane, congratulating him on his speech. "Johnny, you got a way with words," said Joker, clapping him on the back. "And you're pretty funny when you wanna be, y'know. Still, I'm the class clown here, so nobody forget that! I even got the award to prove it!" he chucked, pulling out his certificate.

"I don't think anybody's gonna fight you for that, J," retorted Bruce Wayne.

"Well, you certainly won't, my hall monitor buddy!" exclaimed Joker. "Aw, c'mere you!" he said, embracing him suddenly. "I'm really gonna miss busting people's fun with you, you know that?"

"Get him off me," muttered Bruce, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

"Let's have a picture with everyone now!" said Mr. Quinzel, gesturing at them. "If you all wanna gather around the sign, maybe?"

The students obeyed. "I wrote that," said Crane, nodding at the graffitti which read _Abandon all hope, ye who enter here! _"It's from Dante's _Inferno_, and it seemed entirely appropriate when I first arrived here. But I can't say that I won't miss the old place now that I'm leaving. Still, I'm looking forward to really starting my life. This is only high school, after all. I'm sure we'll all grow up to be healthy, normal, productive citizens."

Joker laughed, draping an arm around Harley and kissing her cheek. "Yeah, sure we will!" he chuckled, as they all smiled for the camera. "Nice joke, Johnny! Nice joke."

**The End**


End file.
